The Season I Loved You Without You - Chapter 93

CHAPTER 93

Ga-eul remembered that day. The moment he couldn’t approach her at the airport, standing at a distance and just watching her. He wanted to run to her, hug her, and kiss her, but he couldn’t, so he stood there like a stone statue, clenching his fists and conveying words she couldn’t hear.

Han Go-yeo left. 

It wasn’t comforting to be treading the same ground in Seoul as her, yet it felt like another farewell. There was no promise. He couldn’t know where in France she was going or how long she’d be there. Ga-eul held back the urge to sit down and cry like a child.

‘Yoon Ga-eul loves Han Go-yeo. Very much.’

Their short and intense love had come to an end.

Ga-eul busied himself by trying to recover the grades he missed in the last semester and finding things to do. He wandered, not knowing how to soothe his empty and desolate heart when he remembered the place with the star that had witnessed the two of them together. It was a place where the past, present, and future coexisted.

There, where he had promised to give up on her, was Yoon Ga-eul confessing his love. The stars poured down as they had that day, and the cosmic time, traversing through time didn’t make him feel like the Yoon Ga-eul of the past anymore.

For the first time since she left, Ga-eul smiled slightly in that place. He visited there daily to check on his feelings. No one was watching, and no one knew. Reminiscing about his memories with her and laughing made it bearable. It was a method he chose to keep living.

The rumors at school died down, and the interest faded. It felt like he had won over something that wouldn’t last. Ga-eul suddenly realized that the seasons were changing when he looked around. Even without her, Yoon Ga-eul seemed to be doing fine. But whenever the loneliness slowly filled his heart like rising seawater and made it hard to breathe, he inevitably headed to that place.

To the place where his unwavering feelings for her remained.

“I hope you’re well….”

Perhaps he would know if they looked at the same stars from France.

Ga-eul didn’t worry about his future and focused only on his grades. There was a time when he pondered many things, but now he had completely lost his direction. Whether by chance or fate, he took a general education course in financial mathematics and found a new attraction to the financial market.

He had promised her on that star-filled hill to give up on his feelings, reassuring her with those words. Yet, among all the securities companies, choosing Wushin was undoubtedly to get a bit closer to her. Perhaps he might catch a glimpse of her from afar. Yoon Ga-eul, in some ways, was a person who stubbornly made no progress.

After joining Wushin Securities, he entered the proprietary trading team as the youngest member. Proprietary trading involves operating with corporate capital instead of client capital to generate profits. Each team had different ways of making profits regardless of the market situation, but Team 1, where Ga-eul belonged, aggressively managed large sums of money and pursued high returns.

Due to the emphasis on individual capabilities, performance bonuses were high, but currently, he was learning the ropes by handling miscellaneous tasks within the team. When the stock market wavered, he learned how the team members devised response strategies. They reduced their purchase of spot stocks and adopted a hedging strategy by taking short positions on KOSPI futures in the derivatives market, profiting from falling stock prices.

Although the company often required overnight work and provided dormitories, Ga-eul commuted from his rooftop room. Since joining the company, he had been unable to visit the hill where he used to face the stars daily.

It felt like he was slowly distancing himself from his feelings for Han Go-yeo. Three autumns had passed, which was a sufficiently long time. He had no news of her, so it seemed they could pretend not to know each other even if they ran into each other.

The proprietary trading team often held all-night meetings in hotel suites, monitoring overseas stock market trends and having light drinks. Ga-eul was the only newcomer among the six team members. The team leader had chosen him, recognizing his talent.

After recently achieving a 9% profit from trading, they decided to gather in a suite they frequented for a celebration. Ga-eul, being the youngest, was in charge of wrapping things up, and Su-jin, his mentor, helped him. After finishing, Ga-eul headed to the hotel with Su-jin.

Ga-eul wondered if his actions might give Su-jin any wrong ideas. After experiencing misunderstandings with Anna, he didn’t want to leave any room for misinterpretation.

“Ga-eul, do you have a girlfriend?”

It seemed like a casual question, but it carried a hint of intention. Ga-eul understood the atmosphere his seniors were creating. Su-jin was popular among peers and seniors, and she reportedly didn’t have a boyfriend. On that note, Ga-eul drew a clear line.

“No, but there’s someone I like.”

“…Oh. So, it’s unrequited love.”

Ga-eul answered as if it were obvious.

“Yes.”

He noticed Su-jin feeling a bit embarrassed but remained indifferent as he got into the elevator. He turned his head, sensing someone’s gaze, but saw no familiar faces. Ga-eul found himself growing accustomed to the suite room and had become an adult who could drink the whiskey she often drank.

Taking advantage of the noisy atmosphere, he stepped out for a moment. The late evening lobby wasn’t crowded. The sky, filled with rain clouds, hid the moon and appeared hazy. He loosened his tie, feeling suffocated by the heavy and humid air. He fidgeted with the cigarette he couldn’t smoke in the non-smoking area.

Under the bright lights illuminating the hotel entrance stood a man and a woman. Ga-eul thought it was just another illusion he often saw because the woman was the one who never showed her face even in his dreams.

He had no photos of her, so he would look through pictures of others that didn’t resemble her at all. Yoon Ga-eul thought, ‘My Han Go-yeo doesn’t look like this.’

He thought his brain had fabricated her image out of a deep longing. The moment he saw her small smile, Ga-eul felt a thin stream of tears running down his cheek. Quickly wiping them away so her image wouldn’t disappear, he searched for any trace of her.

‘She has come back.’

She was still as dazzlingly beautiful as ever. And just as before, she remained in a place Yoon Ga-eul could never reach, no matter how hard he tried. Ga-eul could only watch as she got into the car opened by the man.

Then he realized. Though he had supposedly given up on her, his heart still yearned for her, and those feelings were growing stronger. Ga-eul laughed hollowly and rubbed his eyes.

“What do I do…?”

He wished someone could forcefully remove this heart of his because he didn’t know what to do with these persistent feelings. He felt pathetic and utterly wretched over his unchanged self.

He walked aimlessly. Raindrops began to fall from the sky, gradually soaking his clothes as the rain picked up. At the end of his wandering, he found himself at her boutique. It was his first time there since she left. Although he had impulsively come near it before, he always turned back. Now, looking at the darkened boutique, he gazed up at where she might have been. Perhaps it was a place that had held her warmth until not long ago.

He blinked repeatedly in the falling rain. He couldn’t tell whether the wetness on his cheeks was rain or tears.

He missed her so much. He regretted not taking in more of her presence earlier.

* * *

Hee-sook was worried about Ga-eul working at Wushin Securities. Despite having gone to college to become a teacher, he suddenly decided to join a securities company, which made her anxious. When she asked why he wanted to work at a securities company, Ga-eul simply said he wanted to understand how money moves.

But the fact that it was Wushin Group among all the securities companies troubled her even more. However, Hee-sook didn’t express this concern. She had already once crushed Ga-eul’s hopes before and couldn’t do it again.

Eun-jae entered the University of Education as planned. Attending school in Chuncheon, she stayed in the dormitory and came home every weekend, while Ga-eul visited at least once a month.

Over the three years, Hee-sook had fully recovered and started working again. Despite Ga-eul’s attempts to dissuade her from working and to rest at home, Hee-sook wanted to do something while she was healthy. With experience working in a restaurant and decent cooking skills, she opened a small snack shop near an elementary school.

When Ga-eul came home after a long time, Hee-sook prepared his favorite soybean paste stew and bulgogi for the table. After hesitating several times, she finally spoke with difficulty.

“…Ga-eul, how is work at the company?”

Ga-eul smiled at Hee-sook and replied.

“As a new employee, there are many things I can’t do well.”

The relationship between Hee-sook and Ga-eul has slightly changed since that incident three years ago. They were never ones to share deep conversations, but Ga-eul now kept his feelings thoroughly hidden.

“Oh, I’m going to do volunteer work tomorrow.”

Eun-jae, who was diligently eating next to them, added to the conversation.

“You also do volunteer work at the company.”

“We also have sports competitions in the autumn.”

“Oh. That’s similar to school.”

They engaged in everyday conversations, avoiding the topics Hee-sook was worried about. Ga-eul knew well what Hee-sook was concerned about—whether he still hadn’t forgotten her, whether he still harbored resentment. He could read a lot from the unconscious expressions Hee-sook made.

Ga-eul still felt grateful to Hee-sook and had long forgotten the resentment he once felt. But like in any typical mother-son relationship, he couldn’t share everything. Just as he couldn’t convey the feeling of his dead heart coming alive at the sight of her.

Hee-sook shared some news she heard at church recently. Not knowing the detailed situation between Anna and Ga-eul, she spoke casually as if talking about a well-known acquaintance.

“Anna is getting married this time. There are rumors all over town that it’s to the grandson of some private foundation.”

Eun-jae, who was eating, pouted.

“I guess the rumors didn’t mention that the guy is much older and a divorced single dad. Sister Anna is so transparent. She used to lecture me about divorce, but now she’s the epitome of hypocrisy.”

Hee-sook gestured for Eun-jae to stop.

“Why! Did I say something wrong? If it’s a marriage based on love, she should be proud.”

Eun-jae responded defiantly to Hee-sook.

“Don’t say such things just because you’re no longer close with Anna.”

“Not close? She was the one who cut off contact unilaterally. Plus, there were some minor disagreements before that.”

Eun-jae glanced at Ga-eul, but his expression remained unchanged. Eun-jae didn’t know the full story between Ga-eul and the boss. She couldn’t ask anyone about it, but she had sensed that something had ended between them.

She regretted calling her brother back then. If their mom hadn’t known, she wouldn’t have gone to the boutique, and Eun-jae felt sorry, thinking it might have affected their relationship.