Episode 1

 

‘ Se-hyuk…….’

‘Se-yeon Kim…….’

I wrapped my arms around Se-hyuk’s neck with shaky hands. I closed my eyes and felt the sweat on the back of his neck. 

 ‘Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I bit my lip in embarrassment, and Se-hyuk, who was looking down at me from above, gently licked my lips.   

“Ah…. It hurts!”

His movement stops at the sound of pain. When I open my closed eyes, his black pupils are filled with me. I knew he wasn’t going to stop.

He should have warned me before we began having sex. He brushes my forehead with his large hand, and I swallow dryly.

With a look on his face like he was going crazy with love. His deep black eyes stare at me as if he doesn’t want to miss a beat.

I trembled as I watched his pupils move down to his forehead, eyes, nose, and mouth.

“I’m not moving yet so please relax”

he says through clenched teeth as if his p*nis is about to break. Se-hyuk’s jaw clenched in pain.  This is my first time, so I don’t know what to do.

I should have prepared better. Then I wouldn’t have to cause such pain on him. I could feel his pain more than mine.

I have no doubt that he feels my pain as well. The warmth on his face can’t be an act, because it’s the first time he’s seen me.

If I look closely, I can see that he’s trembling. His face was more anxious than ever. I hugged his neck harder, my eyes searching his blushing face. 

His breath was ragged on the nape of my neck.  It hurt like my body was breaking apart, but it felt strangely good. The part of me that was attached to him winced at the thought of becoming one with him.     

“I’m not done yet.”

My eyes widened in surprise.  My face turned bright blue and my eyes fluttered. I gathered my courage and looked down. 

Wow! Se-hyuk was right.  When I saw his huge c*ck, I became afraid. That thing will tear me apart if it gets in.

I released my grip on his neck and shrank back.   

“What’s wrong, does it hurt?”

“If you put all that in, I’ll die.”

He laughed, and his p*nis moved a little inside, which caused tears to my eyes.

“Don’t worry. You won’t die.’

‘………….’

I sobbed and wiped my tears away with my favored long fingers.

“I’m not going to put all in for you.”

Se-hyuk had once told me that his p*nis was a little bigger than everyone else’s. I’d thought it was just a joke but I guess he wasn’t lying. 

I couldn’t figure out why the pain continued even though he wasn’t moving. I kept pushing downward.  My lower abdomen tingled. 

I couldn’t think since all of my nerves were focused on the bite.  I realized that s*x is a much more erotic and naked act than I imagined.

“I’ll move.”

“Ouch! No! Hmph!”

I took a breath in and was unable to breathe it out. My entire body stiffened, and I heard nothing.    

“Whew!”

I took a deep breath as soon as I opened my eyes.

I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. My entire body hurts from the dream.

My mind is in greater pain than my body. In my dream, I’m 22 years old and freezing.  Is it because I long for that time so much?

I have the same dream every time.  I’m glad I did. I’m stuck on the day he loved me.  I could get used to it, but my body always hurts afterward. 

Did he think about me?  A sickening laugh escaped.  I’d cut someone off with my own hands if he missed me. It’s unbelievable.

A musty smell brought me back to reality, and I checked my phone with deepening eyes.   

“Ugh, I’m late!”

I got up and roughly gathered up my comforter and pushed it into the corner. I didn’t even have a dresser because I only slept at home. 

I didn’t even have time to think about my dream. To get ready for work, I pressed the hot water button on the boiler. I could wash in cold water because it was spring, but I didn’t want to wash in extremely cold water.

After a quick shower and drying my hair, I ran to catch the bus. I stepped onto the bus like a beanstalk.

Thank god. In silence, I stared out the window at the rapidly disappearing scenery.  The day would pass by in a flash.  I’d rather be an emotionless machine.

I  sighed. I couldn’t see a single tree in sight. I had a feeling it was going to be a long day.  I just made it to work.

“Good morning?”

“How are you today?”

For a few years now, I’ve been working at an architectural firm in Gaon where my maternal uncle is the president.   

“Would you please make me some coffee?”

It was Kim, who is about to turn 30 and has promised to marry within the next year.   

“Right. Paging the manager.”   

I let out a sigh when I realized that she had asked me to come to the director’s head’s office as soon as I arrived.

“Sure. I’ll make you a cup of coffee when I get back from the director’s head office.”   

My steps were heavy, I took a strong stance in front of the director’s head office, tucking my hair behind my ear.  When I knock on the door, I hear a voice ask me to come in as if I’ve been waiting there.    

“You are late again?”

As soon as I open the door, a woman’s harsh voice pierces my ears. The door slams shut behind me, and I focus my eyes on the woman sitting at the desk.   

“Why are you always coming late? Is your job important to you?”

I didn’t come late. But I kept my lips shut, knowing that if I said anything, she’d make an even bigger fuss about my explanations.   

“My father is the boss; do you think you own this company that’s why you do whatever you want to do?”

The woman who was looking down and getting more and more excited to yell at me was my maternal uncle’s daughter, Oh Sooyin, my cousin, the same age as me, who hated me and looked down on me.   

“Don’t think I’ll be nice to you just because we are related, I’m not like my father. If I become the boss here, I’ll fire you right away!”

It’s been said around the architectural office that she comes to work solely to bother me and that she wants to devour me anytime she sees me.

I don’t know why she’s doing this to me since I’ve done nothing wrong with her, and if I ask her, she’ll go on a rant about how she bullied me.

“I’m sorry ma’am.” 

“Get it straight!”

I’d prefer to apologize. The good news is that Sooyin visits the office only three or four times every month.

Sooyin, the daughter of one of Korea’s most prominent CEOs, and I, an outcast who never finished college.

I didn’t have to think too hard about which side I would take. The people who came in and didn’t think I deserved it ripped me up, but that’s who I am; unlike in the past, I don’t succumb to an oppressive and fierce life. 

As soon as I open the door and step out, I change my expression and raise the corner of my mouth. I don’t care.

A year ago, My maternal uncle handed Sooyin, who had no job and was just messing around, a prominent position in the company and told her she had to go to work.

My cousin, whom I only saw a few times a year, had been pestering me like a mouse ever since to relieve her stress.  But I didn’t mind.

I don’t have time to care, and I know that when you’re as lifeless as a doornail, you don’t respond, and the fun fades.   

“Get out!”

“Yes ma’am.”

I remember the first time Sooyin arrived at work. I’d made an unintentional joke and been slapped in front of many people, and no one had asked me if I was okay.

The logic was obvious.

I could have walked away from this argument. I went to the break room to make Ms. Kim a cup of coffee. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them.

I was extremely tired from sleeping at dawn yesterday. The sky appears to be clear at first glance, but my mind is cloudy.  When my phone vibrated, I took it out of my pocket. 

My previously calm heart now flutters nervously.  The frequent vibrations made my stomach churn. It was, nevertheless, unavoidable.    

“Hello?” 

-It’s me, the caregiver. 

“Yeah. How are you, is there any problem?”   

I tightened my grip on the phone because she was silent.   

“Is something wrong?” 

-I’m having a hard time taking care of your father, I’m unable to eat on time, you paid me two months ago, and it’s about time for you to pay again.

The caregiver who has been taking care of my dad has been with him for three years next month.

Last year, my father’s caregiver told me that she needed pocket money because her family was in financial trouble.

When I didn’t respond, she said she was going to stop, and I had no choice but to give her the money because she needed it and I needed her for my father.

She’s been doing it almost every two or three months since then, and I can’t complain to the hospital.  My father, who has limited mobility, is uncomfortable with new people.   

” I apologize; I should have paid more attention”

I didn’t have any extra money. I had to pay my father’s hospital bills and debts every month, so I had very little money to spare for transport and food expenses.

I should have given her 200,000 won at the very least. How will I get money at this time? I shook my head as I remembered my uncle.

Except for her father, she never wasted any money.  I should find a part-time job soon. I hung up the phone after promising her I’d see her on the weekend. 

I stared at the smoke rising from the coffee I’d just brewed, then pushed open the door to the restroom. I tugged at the corner of my mouth again.

“Ms. Kim, here is your coffee” 

“Thank you”   

Ms. Kim seemed to be in a good mood lately. She arranged the papers on Ms. Kim’s desk out of habit. She thought about what kind of part-time job could pay her well.

” There’s a rumor here that you are looking for a part-time job?”

“A part-time job?”

“Yeah. That’s true, I didn’t deny it, I need to earn money badly.”  

“I will help you get a job”

“What kind of part-time job is it? How much does it pay?”

“After all, I thought you’d say you were doing it.”

I wonder what the hell this is.

“I just got a good deal with a lawyer. We’re supposed to meet tomorrow, but I remembered today that we have dinner plans. It’s at the Grand Hotel restaurant.”

“Am I allowed to leave?”

I asked, trying to sound cheerful by raising my voice higher.  My hair was gray and hadn’t been colored in a long time, with black roots and brown underneath. 

“Well, you’re going to the party anyway, so just go ahead. I’ll give you 200,000 won.”

“Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome”

I smirked at the agent as he pulled out four 50,000 won bills from his wallet.  Six years ago, money wasn’t important to me, but now it’s the most important thing.   

* * * * * * * *

The route from work to the Grand Hotel was challenging. After changing subways and buses, I arrived at my destination and looked at the Grand Hotel on the river.

Before my house fell apart, I’d been there a few times for parties. I was walking across the hotel lobby, my messy hair pulled back into a tight ponytail.

“Excuse me,”

a man hurried up behind me, bumping into my shoulder hard because he hadn’t looked ahead. My old, worn bag fell to the floor.  

“I’m sorry”

“It’s okay.”

As I picked up my bag, I stood stuck in place, unable to move a step, staring at the man’s back.  

No, more precisely, my gaze was fixed on the flower in his hand.  As she watched the man hurry away with a delicate pink rose in his hand, she smiled wistfully.

The image of a man who seems to be happily in love, just like the words of a rose, brings tears to my eyes. 

A woman who is loved by a man who walks fast because he is afraid that his woman will wait for him must be very happy.

Would I be very happy now if I didn’t break and leave him off?

I wish I hadn’t been so obsessed with money that I had to stand in for someone else. I wish I hadn’t had to show up in such a haze at a five-star hotel.

No, I didn’t need any of that. I just miss the way he loved me blindly.   

“……………..”

But I knew it was too late, so I kept my mouth shut. I never going to see him again. He nailed him to the wall and said he would never come back to Korea.

I didn’t even hold any hope that he’d come to Korea to look for me. I suddenly remembered the money I kept in my desk’s deepest drawer.

Without a cup of coffee, I had been saving a few thousand won per month, occasionally tens of thousands. I wanted to save up for a decade and travel to America.

I wanted to see him once, even from afar, and maybe then I could get rid of this regret.  I shook my head to clear my mind.

Maybe it was the dream that reminded me of him today.  I was checking the time on my phone as I walked into the lobby to catch the elevator.

“!”

I looked up as I was putting my phone back in my bag, and my eyes widened.  In shock, I stopped breathing.  My mouth opened in surprise as if something huge had landed on my head, and my eyes raced around wildly.    

My vision blurred and my legs went weak.   

“Are you okay?”

As I trembled, a hotel employee standing close seemed worried.

“I’m fine”   

When I regained consciousness and looked around, the man who resembled him was gone.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I stepped into the elevator. 

I must have been hunting for him in my dream since it was so vivid. I mistook someone else for him.  Even I thought it was ridiculous.

“Do you have a reservation?”   

When the restaurant employee asked me a question, I nodded weakly. The employee’s eyes looked at me from head to toe, but I was too preoccupied to care.   

“Se-yeon Kim.” 

“Uh, yeah. This way, please.”   

I followed her around the restaurant, In the distance, the man I’d seen earlier in the lobby was smiling brightly at a woman, smelling of flowers, and his gaze was drawn to the belly of the woman. 

The woman is pregnant.

“I want to have more than one child, I like children.”

I don’t know if it was because I remembered something he had said in the past, or because I was envious of the woman who was so loved. 

It was the staff who opened the door that brought me back to my senses. I almost burst into tears in front of a man I didn’t know. 

I bowed politely to the staff member who asked me to enter and went inside.

I expected someone to be waiting for me, but they hadn’t arrived yet. I took a long look around the empty room before taking a seat on the chair beside the table.

I put my bag on the chair next to me and smoothed out my clothes.  I straightened my back and sat down. 

I waited for a long time for the man who never came. When I became bored, I looked out the window.

I couldn’t help but be amazed by the view of the Han River.  I got from my seat and made my way over to the window.

The Han River promenade was lined by trees. The trees seemed to help me relax a little.  The greenery seemed to be alive with life.

I watched the dark clouds roll in through the window.  I heard the door open with a knock and slowly turned around.   

“Sorry, I’m late.” 

“Hi…….”

I didn’t even bother turning around. My eyes caught on to the man, and I quickly put my hand to cover my mouth.   

“!”

My eyes darted around frantically.  The man who looked so much like him on the first floor was not a mistake.

“Oh, Se-hyuk?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them, but the man standing in front of me was Han Se-hyuk, the man I had abandoned six years ago.

As I blinked in surprise, he made a gesture.

“Please sit down.”   

He didn’t look shocked unlike me. He didn’t appear bothered in the least, as if he knew I was coming.  I sat on the chair, looking as if I was about to collapse.

I hadn’t expected to see him like this. My hands were shaking.   

“Uh, how can……?”

I’m supposed to say that someone who should be in the United States is here, but it’s stuck in my throat.   

“I’m here to see Se-yeon Kim.”

I didn’t need to be told why you were here. His eyes were frighteningly still, unlike mine, which were fluttering.  I felt his gaze searching my head.  His once adoring gaze had changed so much in six years.

The good man who had always put me first had morphed into a beast that looked like it had just emerged from a thorny vine. 

It’s as if he has thorns all over his body to keep me from getting too close.  I stare at him, unable to speak.   

“Did you just abandon me to live like this?”

“…….”

The words “like this” break my heart.  If I had known he was coming, I would have done anything to make myself look pretty.

I wouldn’t have come out looking like this.  I can’t move a finger, as if caught in a spider’s web.

I haven’t seen him in six years, and he’s a grown man. No, he tilts his head at an angle, with the air of a bad boy. One corner of his mouth lifts languidly, and I lower my eyes, not daring to look him in the eye.   

“You thought I was going to be so great again, didn’t you?”

the sneering words turn into thorns, cutting into my heart.

“I guess I’ve been punished for abandoning Se-hyuk.”

Instead of saying anything, I clasped my hands together in my lap.   

“How did you get here?”

“Did you make it to the stand?”

“It’s …….”   

When did he come to Korea, I wanted to ask.   

“Someone I know had an urgent appointment, so I filled in for her.”   

I see.

“And you’re the kind of person who would go to a zen retreat like that?”

I didn’t say anything about being there on behalf of someone I knew. I didn’t mention the fact that I was here to do good and make money. 

Surprisingly, I was still concerned about offending the agent’s feelings. I  snapped back to reality.    

” I know. You prefer wealthy men, don’t you?”

“…….”

“I guess it’s still there.”

The boomerang of

“Your house is broke, I prefer wealthy men, and I hate you because you’re poor!”

that was what I’d said to him six years ago when were stuck together and came back.  At a glance, I’d see him in a classy suit and a watch that cost more than a car, and me wearing a frayed blouse, cheap pants with fuzz, and the cleanest worn-out heels I could find. 

Even her hair, which had fallen out in layers from lack of dye. I laughed bitterly at the comparison. I felt like a line had been drawn down the middle of the table.   

” do you want to get up?”

I suggested we get up first. If I stayed here any longer, I felt like I would burst into tears, even in the most repressive of countries. He laughed in disbelief.   

“Go get some food.”

“…….”

“I don’t care, It’s not like you and I are going to sit down and eat together, is it?”

The man who was once so nice that it was silly, the man who seemed to read minds without saying a word, the man who said barbed things without a care in the world.

I braced myself, trying not to show that I was breaking down. The man, now completely unable to read my mind, slowly stood up. I looked up and locked eyes with him.   

“……Yes, goodbye.”

Through my tears, I faked a smile. My mouth corners twitched involuntarily.  I nodded, thinking that I wouldn’t want to eat with him if I were him. As he walks out and the door closes behind him, I stare at his back, and the tears I’ve been holding back fall down my cheeks.

As he walked out and the door closed behind him, the tears I’d been holding back slid down my cheeks.

“Are you crazy, Cha Se-yeon? What’s wrong with you? Get a grip.”   

What did I expect from the man I abandoned? Did I expect him to say hello and shake my hand? I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

There was a knock at the door and the food came.  I felt the employee’s gaze on me, but I shamelessly looked up, pretending not to notice. 

When the employee left and I was alone, I let go of my back, which had been holding me up.  My hands shook as I sliced the meat. I couldn’t believe I still saw him.   

” I was happy to see you, Se-hyuk, even though I knew we had nothing to do with each other anymore?”

Blood dripped from my hands as I sliced the meat into pieces smaller than my palm. I dipped my fork into the shredded meat and popped it into my mouth. 

It should be delicious, but I can’t taste anything.  I turned to look out the window and realized it had gone dark, and the world was pitch black.

Just like my heart.  I turned to my reflection, which looked like it was about to cry, and started eating like a robot again. 

Let’s just think about the 200,000 won. Yes, let’s just think about the money.

Her eyes sank into a stony stare.