Why You Should Be Responsible For Him - Chapter 5 Part 5

The sun’s warmth softened even though the air was chilly. Sitting crouched on the barren ground, I scribbled long branches in the dirt.

Druid, Porcan, Zapholiat…

Names of numerous islands across the distant sea filled the ground densely. Just that overwhelmed me.

After escaping this prison, there are so many places to go. Some of the names of the islands I wrote down are purely from my imagination.

No, actually, most of them are. It was a modest little paradise of my own, insignificant and shabby, not found on any map… There couldn’t possibly be names for it.

“Yveline.”

A chilling voice made me drop the stick I was holding. Approaching, stepping on the island names written on the ground, came a shadow casting over me.

“Playing the naming game again?”

The black shoes erased “Antras” with each step.

It was my favorite island.

Forcing a smile, I faced Ceres, trying to conceal my anxiety. His jet-black hair, like mine, glistened darkly in the sunlight.

“I’m just practicing writing.”

“Meaningless writing isn’t helpful. But…”

Ceres picked up the stick I dropped, smiling wryly.

“Seems like this kind of writing suits you, Yveline.”

An ignorant fool, a submissive sister, a helpless woman.

What Ceres desires, what he’s molding into a miserable existence, is the current ‘me’.

Inside, I wished to chew his skull raw and hear his screams, but all I could do was nod at Ceres’s words.

* * *

“Ugh! Arghh, arghh…!”

I woke up with a jerk, clutching my head. There was a lump in my throat. Muscles felt stiff with a dull ache.

“Are you okay?”

Ash quickly reached out, massaging my neck, and the startled muscles gradually eased. But this time, my knees were trembling. Upon waking up, I must have hit the table below, as the textbooks neatly placed there were hanging precariously over the edge, and the pen was rolling on the floor.

“Yeah.”

I casually picked up the fallen pen, trying to hide my embarrassment.

Oh, so embarrassing.

Today’s lesson wasn’t about progressing but rather a test based on what we had learned so far. Ash was nervous, and as soon as he received the test paper, he displayed remarkable concentration in solving it. It felt like he was taking an entrance exam for the academy.

The scratching sound of the pen and the warm sunlight seeping through the window made me feel drowsy, and before I knew it, my eyes closed.

…And then I woke up with a violent seizure.

Sigh. There was saliva at the corner of my mouth. Wiping the damp area around my mouth with the back of my hand, I casually asked Ash if he had finished answering.

“I just finished.”

He replied, but the dried ink on the pen indicated that quite some time had passed.

Coughing in embarrassment, I began checking. Ash stared intensely with a mixture of fear and tension, as I marked the wrong answers without hesitation. He looked like a ten-year-old boy on the verge of being scolded.

“You got all recent lessons right, but there are a few wrong answers in the first chapter.”

After marking the areas that needed improvement, I handed the test paper to Ash. His hands trembled slightly as he accepted it. Maybe he was disappointed by not getting a perfect score.

“You did well enough. In fact, you’ve learned what others would learn in a year in just a month and a half. Plus, neither of us has much experience with tutoring, so we couldn’t cover the topics in the first chapter thoroughly. It wasn’t even a review topic.”

“…I’m okay with comforting words. After all, if I continue like this, I’ll forget everything I’ve learned as I progress.”

“No, you can study on your own without tutoring…”

“Help me, senior. I really want to get a perfect score on this test. I’ll pay you for the extra tutoring sessions.”

My head, which had been drowsy from sleep, started spinning like a machine. My tightly packed schedule of studying, working, tutoring, eating, and sleeping was already overwhelming, and now it seemed like there was barely enough room for additional tutoring. It sounded cramped enough without more tutoring! I felt like I could hear a protest.

Let’s see. I don’t think reduce my study time since there’s still a lot of dangerous stuff in Wizardry, and in Ethics and Ancient Languages, I’ve been filling in the gaps by reviewing what I already know, so if I cut my time here in half and give up a bit of room for eating and sleeping, I’ll be able to fit in the extra tutoring.

At the same time, the growing balance came to mind, and my throat constricted in anxiety.

“Ash, I’m sorry, but my day is already packed with all sorts of schedules, so I’m very busy. While you might think of adding tutoring time lightly, for me, it’s a very valuable and wasted time when I can’t do what I should be doing. So…”

“…Are you saying I can’t increase tutoring time?”

“No, you have to listen to the end. Nevertheless, I will personally extend tutoring time for your overflowing enthusiasm for learning.”

“Senior…”

Ash called me with a moved tone, but I stopped him with a raised hand to look cool.

“But I’m the one who sets the tutoring hours, and like I said, I’m barely scraping by on my own time, so if you and I can’t work out our schedules, there’s no extra tutoring.”

I had said all that, but if Ash had said, “Oh, I have another commitment at that time,” I would have once again diligently rearranged my schedule in my mind and persuaded him by saying, “Oh, really? Then how about this time?” and proposed a different time.

However, when negotiating, starting with a strong stance from the beginning doesn’t always yield the maximum benefit. With my chin slightly raised, I glanced down at Ash.

I expected Ash to immediately say, “Yes! That’s fine!” but as he remained silent for a long time, I felt a sense of regret. Did I push too hard?

“…I’m touched, senior. You would go this far for me. I… Oh.”

“…”

“Let’s just forget about it… Hmph.”

“Are you crying?”

Ash was biting his lower lip tightly, struggling to hold back tears.

No, why, why are you crying!

“I-I’m just… so blessed to have a senior like you, such a good t-tutor… It’s just overwhelming, hmph…”

Ash rubbed the corners of his eyes, tears welling up in his eyes.

I couldn’t close my mouth out of surprise. In the midst of thinking about negotiations and maximizing benefits, I suddenly felt like trash that couldn’t even be recycled.

“A-Ash, c-can you calm down and lift your head?”

His face wasn’t visible properly because of the messy hair. I should probably cut it someday.

As I neatly parted his bangs into a perfect 5:5 ratio, I saw the wall behind him, stained red from the tears. Despite the ridiculous hairstyle, he looked like a rare and beautiful flower blooming amidst the harsh storms of the world.

“Anytime, hmmph. I’ll come when you call, senior.”

“Okay.”

Without needing to say much, just meeting his gaze and nodding made Ash’s crying stop almost instantly.

He’s really a peculiar guy, after all.

After the scheduled tutoring session ended and we were tidying up the books, I suddenly remembered something I hadn’t mentioned to Ash.

“Oh, right. Ash, are you free tomorrow afternoon?”

Ash, who was tidying up books with me, froze like a statue.

Why is he suddenly like this?

“Are you… suggesting a date?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You and I aren’t dating, remember?”

“…We’re just hooking up.”

Ouch.

I didn’t expect Ash to blurt out something like that. I felt a sudden rush of heat to my head.

After blinking a few times, Ash’s mouth, which had been shut tight, moved slowly.

“I’m sorry I got your hopes up, but I’m free anytime.”

Ash’s suggestion lingered in my mind. It seemed like only yesterday that I’d been up all night in his dorm room moaning at the top of my lungs.

Telling each other not to spout nonsense about dating after fighting tooth and nail. What have I done to this innocent guy? I really am trash.

As I reflected on myself, my head throbbed painfully, so I pressed my temples with my index and middle fingers and spoke.

“It’s nothing. I just wanted to postpone the tutoring session a bit.”

“Weren’t you going to the bakery in the evening?”

“Oh, I canceled for today. The boss understands since it’s something we do every year. It’s just that suddenly canceling the tutoring session without telling you in advance felt a bit… off, so I just pushed it back.”

“What’s going on?”

Ash’s words carried a sense of anxiety. I shrugged and replied.

“It’s my mother’s birthday.”

* * *

Academy is an interesting place, bustling with life and various activities. The students are always occupied with classes, clubs, and social events. The academy grounds are adorned with beautiful flower beds, especially near the main entrance. As I walked past them, the vibrant colors and fragrances seemed to tug at my sleeves, inviting me to stop and admire them.

However, today I ignored their allure and briskly walked down a dull and narrow alleyway, leading to a rather run-down restaurant named “Today’s Menu”. Perhaps it was my mood, but even the flowers seemed to lose interest in me, instead, they bloomed brightly for other passersby.

But there was something different about this day, and that was that instead of walking down the usual narrow path, which I hadn’t realized was there, Guess who: I, Yveline.

It was surprising enough that I ventured into the flower garden, but even more surprising was how I, who usually meticulously inspected price tags when buying a pen, was solely focused on the colors and shapes of the flowers today.

Pointing my finger at the most splendid and beautiful ones, I asked the florist, “Please wrap them up as a bouquet.”

“Catalina roses, zinnias, dahlias. The recipient will feel like the protagonist of summer,” the florist remarked.

Among the red, yellow, and orange flowers, I couldn’t distinguish which were the roses or the dahlias. Under the florist’s skilled hands, the leaves were trimmed, and the scattered flowers were carefully arranged inside a rough newspaper wrapping, creating a beautiful harmony.

As I paid for the bouquet, the florist’s expression turned puzzled. While he stuttered, I smiled and paid before leaving.

The bouquet felt heavier than it should be as I walked with it in my hands. It seemed to sway with each step, as if it carried a burden.

It has been seven years since my mother passed away. It’s been a long time, yet it feels like I’m still stuck on her birthday seven years ago, which has now become her memorial day.

Truth be told, I lied to the florist.

“I’m going to put them on her grave.”

“What? Where’s her grave?”

I have no idea where my mother’s body is. There’s no one to ask, no one to answer. It’s driving me crazy. Is she peacefully “resting” somewhere? Or has she been torn apart, scattered like an animal’s prey?

The only remains of my mother I have are a single photo and the teeth sent by Ceres. Even those teeth, instead of evoking fond memories of my mother, only fuel my anger towards Ceres. I’ve hidden them deep in my dormitory room, not daring to take them out.

So, I’m left with no item or place to mourn my mother on her birthday.

Despite everything, I still bought flowers for her on her birthday. Even though various thoughts swirl in my mind, sometimes it feels like I’m plunged into a world of emptiness, an unstable state where everything seems hollow. As I walk, I can find myself standing on a forgotten land where nobody searches.

Forgotten land… the phrase made me chuckle even though I had thought about it beforehand. It feels like there’s a holy and profound story hidden in it.

Actually, if you go behind the old building where I hadn’t stepped foot after the incident with Ash and the cockroach, there’s a monotone walking path. At the end of the stone path nestled between wide lawns, there’s a small hill with no bench or tea table, just an unkempt grassy hill.

So I started to think. It seemed like a forgotten land. It was an unexpectedly emotional observation.

Whenever it’s my mother’s birthday, I habitually come here. This place, where human footprints seem to have disappeared long ago, became the most silent place to soothe the old emotions of that desperate and miserable day in my life.

There’s another thing. On this hill, there’s a tree with its upper part cut off, leaving only the stump. Ironically, it looked like a gravestone.

I didn’t know what story was behind this tree, why it stood alone with only the stump rooted here. I wasn’t really curious. I didn’t have the luxury to be curious. I didn’t want to know why the tree, like me, kept coming back here every year.

Like others leave bouquets in front of tombstones, I left a bouquet wrapped in newspaper in front of the tree stump. I sat down next to it, leaning against the tree stump.

Why is the weather always so good on ‘today’? The sunlight hit my face strongly.

Why doesn’t this tree have a single leaf to shield the sunlight? I grumbled inwardly, but outwardly, I just closed my eyes, letting the warmth of the sun wash over me.

A numb sadness, a helpless longing, was layered on my skin like everyday clothes.

I breathed quietly, trying to erase the emotions dragging me down to the ground. For a very long time. Then, at some point, I could fall asleep without even realizing it.

Yes, it was a moment. I felt the regular rhythm of my breath and the strange sensation creeping inside my eyelids filled with vivid colors.

Has the sun already set? The strong sunlight that had been sticking to my face for so long was gone.

Oh, tutoring!

In the midst of my drowsiness, Ash came to mind, and I woke up suddenly.

“…Was that a dream?”

Ash had his hand raised, shading my forehead.

“I’m impressed. Did you dream about me?”

“When did you get here?”

“You dreamed of me, didn’t you? Well, how am I in your dreams, senior? Do I look cool? Oh, but if I looked a little cooler… Please don’t dream of me anymore…”

“I didn’t dream of anything, so quiet down.”

Although he had previously told me not to dream, now that I said I hadn’t dreamt at all, Ash’s expression quickly turned gloomy.

What’s his deal?

Ignoring Ash, whose mind I couldn’t fathom, I brought up my earlier question.

“How did you know I was here, are you stalking me?”

He just laughed and didn’t give an answer.

A real stalker.

Leaning back against the hard tree, I continued speaking.

“I’ll report you for real, so behave unless you want to eat worm-infested soup in the underground prison.”

Calling it stalking feels awkward, and it’s not even at the level of stalking(?) that would send someone to an underground prison or have them eat worm-infested soup. Moreover, who could possibly imprison the prince of the empire, who is currently receiving a lot of love, in an underground prison?

Despite hearing such empty threats, Ash sincerely apologized to me. And what he said was,

“You don’t have to think of me as a person. I’m just a sunshade, as far as you’re concerned.”

In a context similar to an underground prison, who could think of a prince as just a sunshade?

I burst into laughter at the absurdity of his words. Ash’s pupils dilated, then quickly turned into a gentle smile.

“I saw you leaving the academy early in the morning, and you came back sooner than I expected.”

“…You’re more of a full-blown stalker than I thought, aren’t you?”

“Oh, I didn’t follow you or anything like that. I just asked the guard standing near your statue.”

So this time, it wasn’t the statue but me that was being watched.

The empty academy, with few people coming and going, would naturally draw attention to my comings and goings. If they asked, they would have easily answered.

I decided not to think too much about it.

“Seems like your mom really likes flowers.”

Ash glanced at the bouquet next to me. Then, tapping the bouquet with his fingertip.

“They’ll wither away quickly, though. I still don’t understand why she likes them. Whenever she spotted some common wildflowers on the roadside, she couldn’t take her eyes off them for a while. They all look the same to me, but flowers vary so much from season to season. It was embarrassing to listen to explanations about flowers each season.”

Ash tilted his head with a smile.

“You seem to enjoy it more than you found it embarrassing.”

It must have been a stubborn attitude of defiance.

Ash didn’t ask many questions. Why are you staying at the academy on a memorial day? How did your mother pass away? Questions he didn’t need to ask, which made things easier.

Ash just looked at me, not retracting his hand providing shade. His determination to keep even a pinch of sunlight from touching my face was palpable.

Care. It used to be familiar, but now it felt unfamiliarly cozy and comfortable. It wasn’t bad. I could have told him to stop, even as a courtesy, saying my arm was sore, but for some reason… the words didn’t come out easily. On a day like today, I just wanted to fool around and rely on him.

So, words of self-pity that I usually didn’t say popped out unexpectedly. Even as I spoke, I surprised myself.

“It feels like time has stopped here. Like it’s been bounced out.”

Like me. My time stopped completely after the day my mother was murdered. The profound unhappiness and despair of that day were frozen inside me. So maybe subconsciously I come here. Trapped in the past, I realize that I can never move forward.

“No, it’s moving along nicely.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, this place was still here four years ago.”

“The roots haven’t rotted. This tree has been through all four seasons. It’s just not visible to the human eye.”

“……”

“It survived the cold and met the new leaves of spring, ripened in the summer, and changed its clothes in the fall. Since the roots haven’t rotted, new shoots will soon sprout.”

Ash smiled and touched the tree with his palm.

“It’s progressing very well.”

Starting from Ash’s body, green droplets of light began to burst forth. As more and more spherical drops of light gathered, they flowed down the tree trunk and transformed into leaves. Luxuriant foliage flourished.

It was a scene perfect for a summer day. What had been gleaming with green vitality began to fade, turning first yellow, then red, like autumn foliage.

Those droplets began to fall above my head, like dewdrops. Then, a white cloud appeared, gently piling up on the tree like snowflakes, gradually turning into pale pink and fluttering like cherry blossoms carrying the excitement of spring.

“Now can you see it clearly?”

My heart ached. So much so that it felt like it couldn’t bear it unless I held onto something. More than the dazzling spectacle of light, my eyes were drawn to Ash’s face. Why? Even though it was so dazzling that it was hard to look at, I wanted to keep him in my sight, even if I became a stalker.

“Do you realize how embarrassed I am that you’re looking at me like that?”

“How am I looking at you?”

“With eyes that want to kiss you right away because they’re so moved.”

“Moved by what?”

Wrong. Those were eyes completely enchanted by you.

Ash chuckled awkwardly and said, “It would still be unreasonable for me to expect a kiss from you just because of something like this.”

“But you… look especially handsome today.”

Ash’s shoulders twitched.

“Really? I’m handsome? How and where do you think I’m pretty? Tell me?”

“……”

I couldn’t help but let out a smile of delight creeping up on my lips. It wasn’t such a big deal, but why did I feel so pleased seeing him so much happier than I expected? Just watching him being so much happier than I imagined made me start to feel awkward for no reason.

“I’ll try to look even handsome, so please answer me, Senior!”

“……”

I decided to ignore it. I said the wrong thing.

Glancing past Ash at the tree adorned with bright pink leaves, I saw Ash closing his mouth and standing next to me. It was hard to ignore the gaze that touched my cheek.

Ash, who had been lingering above my face for a while, spoke.

“I like you.”

It was an awkward timing. An out-of-the-blue confession in a situation where the atmosphere wasn’t even set.

Turning my head to look at him, his smile looked precarious. It seemed as if the unexpected confession had overflowed like a single drop in a full glass of emotions, uncontrollably spilling out.

“I know.”

I responded nonchalantly to the unexpectedly blunt confession. It was natural to be indifferent to this confession so blatantly put out there. It seemed strange not to know what was so obvious.

“There’s a lot more than what Senior thinks.”

My heart ached.

It seems like I might have a disease after all. And the cause seems to be the guy right in front of me.

“I didn’t know that.”

“I really like you a lot.”

“Yeah.”

In response to Ash’s confession, my answer was short and lacking in sincerity. Despite being neither acceptance nor rejection, Ash just smiled happily at the vague answer.