The Season I Loved You Without You - Chapter 86

CHAPTER 86

Ga-eul came down the ridge and walked aimlessly wherever his feet took him. When he couldn’t see well ahead, he rubbed his eyes and kept walking resolutely. When his legs wobbled with weakness, he would lean against a wall for a moment, but he never stopped walking. It was an effort to get as far away as possible from the heart he had abandoned.

Ga-eul felt a hot lump in his throat and a stinging sensation in his eyes. When he bowed his head at the sound of something dropping, tears fell. The already worn bracelet had broken. He sat in front of the broken bracelet and picked it up with trembling hands.

The bracelet was something he could have thrown away. It was old and had lost its meaning. Nevertheless, he didn’t want to discard the heart that he had been given. Even if he abandoned her heart, he didn’t want to let even a small part of her heart roll on the ground. He clenched it tightly in his hand, leaving deep nail marks in his palm.

Ga-eul didn’t remember well how he spent that day. Though he didn’t know exactly where he was, he somehow managed to get home and immediately fell asleep. Mechanically waking up in the morning with swollen eyes, he sought ways to fill the long hours.

He thought that if he killed time like that, it might not be as hard as he thought. Having done it once before, he comforted himself that he could manage somehow.

The final exams were right around the corner, and soon it would be vacation. Without having to go to school, he could just spend time earning money. As he always had, as it had always been.

He prepared for exams, shuttling between the library and school to keep thoughts of her out. It wasn’t that he didn’t notice the ongoing gazes around him. He just ignored them. That is until he overheard a group laughing in the smoking area on campus.

“Hey, they say Yoon Ga-eul is sponsored by that woman from Wushin Group, Han Go-yeo.”

“Oh! The one with all the scandals?”

“He’s got skills. Wushin Group is a total rich.”

“Still, Han Go-yeo, huh? She’s the kind of woman who spreads her legs for any man. No matter how rich or pretty she is, a woman like that is just…”

“What are you talking about? As if she’d spread her legs for you. Only someone like Yoon Ga-eul would be accepted.”

“It doesn’t seem like she separated cleanly from her ex-husband either. Must be the bed skills…”

Ga-eul grabbed the collar of the person who had been talking and punched him right away. The man screamed and fell. If the group around them hadn’t held him back, he would have beaten him indiscriminately. He struggled like an animal caught in a trap, glaring at the man.

“Try running that filthy mouth again!”

Ga-eul growled at the man with his bleeding mouth like a beast. The man flinched, seeing the fierce murderous intent in his eyes, and couldn’t say anything. Then, stammering, he managed to say.

“Y-you just assaulted me, right? Everyone here is a witness! I-I won’t let this slide!”

“Fine. Do what you want!”

Ga-eul was not affected at all by his threatening remarks. The man still looked scared when he saw the murderous look in Ga-eul’s eyes. It seemed like he had nothing more to lose. The man retreated with his group, shouting that he wouldn’t let this go.

Ga-eul stood there, finally feeling the stinging pain in his fist. The thought that someone like her had to hear such vulgar words because of Yoon Ga-eul was unbearable. He felt ashamed of his very existence.

He slumped onto a nearby bench and looked at the sky. The once clear sky was now gone, replaced by a cloudy, gloomy one. The rain that had stopped for a few days since the monsoon started was falling again. The drizzle soon turned into a downpour.

Ga-eul sat motionless, completely drenched by the rain. Realizing that one of the many reasons he couldn’t have her was simply his existence made his longing for her feel like an overreach. The dismissive attitude of people who said to just ignore it struck him deeply.

‘I felt my love was so great that I thought I could just ignore such things.’

Ga-eul wiped away the hot streams of rain running down his face. He headed home, soaked to the skin, feeling his body temperature drop. His teeth chattered, and he shivered. With each step in the rain, he hoped that the traces of her heart he had left behind would be washed away bit by bit.

When Ga-eul arrived home and opened the door, his house suddenly felt unfamiliar. It had always been a place of warmth and good memories, but now it felt suffocating. There wasn’t a place her touch hadn’t reached, and memories of her were everywhere.

“Oh…”

Ga-eul collapsed and started crying like a child.

“…I’m sorry. It’s because of me.”

Just like a branch that has been bent and bent until it breaks, Ga-eul crumbled. The facade of being okay that he had maintained for so long could no longer hold. It felt like walking on bare, raw feet over the sea; his heart ached. He clutched his chest and sobbed uncontrollably.

Loving her felt like a sin, but despite that, the unending longing to see her made the despair even more overwhelming, and he cried even harder.

* * *

When Ji-hyuk woke up from a long dream, he didn’t immediately grasp what was happening. The pain in his head was so intense that he couldn’t think of anything else. After enduring the tedious examination process and speaking with the doctor, Ji-hyuk realized that his attempt at death had failed.

The doctor mentioned that he would undergo psychiatric treatment due to his extreme actions, but Ji-hyuk didn’t respond. When he said he didn’t remember much about what had happened, the doctors made a fuss. All of it felt tiresome again.

‘An extreme choice? As if that was my only option?’

The thought of this meaningless, tedious life continuing brought nothing but a hollow laugh. His secretary, Ho-seok, approached and detailed the recent events.

“…Go-yeo?”

Ji-hyuk felt a slight glimmer of hope when he heard that Go-yeo had been visiting every day since the day of his surgery. With difficulty, he sat up, neatly combed his hair, and meticulously checked his relatively unscathed face.

Ji-hyuk thought that maybe since Go-yeo had come to see him on her own, they might be able to return to how things were before. He knew better than anyone that Han Go-yeo had a soft side.

‘Our love has ended. My feelings have changed.’

Even though she repeatedly said they were over and that she had no feelings for him, Ji-hyuk wasn’t affected. He had seen the hesitation in Han Go-yeo’s eyes. Despite her claiming confidently that she was interested in someone else, the slight tremor in her gaze revealed that her bond with that person wasn’t strong.

From the beginning, he thought it was absurd that someone like Han Go-yeo would be with a person like that. No matter how sincere the other person was, Han Go-yeo was still Han Go-yeo.

* * *

Go-yeo no longer visited Ji-hyuk. On the day she abandoned Yoon Ga-eul’s heart in a place where stars spilled over the center of Seoul, Go-yeo crumbled. Even after crying as if all the moisture in her body had been drained, the overwhelming sadness didn’t dissipate. The winter, spring, and summer spent with that person—only three seasons—felt like seasons that would never return.

A winter, spring, and summer without Yoon Ga-eul. And never again an autumn.

She tried to comfort herself, thinking she would live well, forgetting both Moon Ji-hyuk and Yoon Ga-eul, but the future seemed daunting.

The time spent with Yoon Ga-eul was intense because it was the only time in Han Go-yeo’s past, present, and future that she received complete, unwavering love.

Go-yeo discussed with Ji-yeon how to prepare for the next season with Joel at the boutique. When Ji-yeon, noticing Go-yeo’s poor condition, persistently questioned her, Go-yeo finally confessed out of exhaustion.

“…It just ended with Ga-eul.”

Fortunately, Ji-yeon didn’t ask why they broke up.

“Hah… that’s how relationships are. They’re never easy.”

Go-yeo didn’t want to talk about it any further.

“I’m thinking of going to France.”

“Really? I was wondering which of our designers to send. But it’s better if someone who knows Joel goes.”

“I’ll prepare as quickly as possible and leave. And even after the work is done, I plan to stay there for a while. So we might need to hire someone to run the boutique in the meantime. You can’t do both jobs.”

After a brief consideration, Ji-yeon nodded, agreeing that it was a good idea.

“I guess I won’t get to see the baby.”

Go-yeo smiled, looking at Ji-yeon’s rounded belly.

“Hey! How long will you be gone? Stay as long as you need and then come back.”

Despite Ji-yeon’s gentle scolding, Go-yeo nodded formally.

Go-yeo sat blankly at her desk, thinking about what the most productive thing she could do was. She decided to physically exhaust herself to kill her thoughts. After a long time, she pushed her body hard with tennis. Her muscles trembled so much that groans escaped her lips. She wanted to go home and lie down immediately, but she turned around after receiving a call from the hospital.

When she arrived at the hospital room, frowning with muscle pain, Ji-hyuk was sitting in a wheelchair. It had only been a few days since she last saw him, but his condition seemed much improved. Contrary to the experts’ grim prognosis that he would almost certainly die during surgery, he seemed almost fine except for the casts on his arms and legs, thanks to his monstrous recovery.

“Where have you been?”

Go-yeo no longer even felt annoyed by Ji-hyuk’s casual questions.

“Exercising.”

“What kind of exercise?”

“Tennis.”

She answered briefly and moved to the window, looking outside. The long rain continued to fall. When this monsoon ended, a hotter summer would come, and then, eventually, summer would end. After autumn arrived, it too would end. Thinking about everything ending brought her a sense of peace. Even this tedious time would eventually come to an end.

“Go-yeo, shall we move abroad?”

Go-yeo didn’t turn around at Ji-hyuk’s words. She could now deal with him with a sense of ease. Ji-hyuk, too, was a past connection, and this would end someday too, so she didn’t feel any resentment toward him. Resentment would mean that some remnants of feelings were still left, but now even that was gone. She had poured everything into him, leaving nothing behind.

“Do as you wish.”

Seeing him as just another acquaintance didn’t mean anything to her.

Ji-hyuk couldn’t decide whether to feel happy or not about her indifferent but positive answer. However, knowing Go-yeo wouldn’t say things without reason, he felt a sense of satisfaction. In contrast, Go-yeo looked at Ji-hyuk with empty, indifferent eyes.

“But remember this: I have no intention of living with you again. Whether you follow me or not, I don’t care, but there won’t be any more instances where we are together as a couple.”

Ji-hyuk frowned at Go-yeo’s words, feeling displeased.

“Moon Ji-hyuk, I don’t want you to die. I mean it. Even if you don’t remember, the times I told you to die weren’t sincere. So live.”

After finishing what she had to say, Go-yeo started to walk past him, but Ji-hyuk grabbed her wrist.

“…How do you live?”

Ji-hyuk asked, looking up at her from his wheelchair. Go-yeo withdrew her wrist and lowered her gaze.

“You just live. Like the seasons passing by, like stars rising when night falls.”

Leaving Ji-hyuk behind, Go-yeo left the hospital room. She just wanted to rest at home. Her body was tired, and dealing with Ji-hyuk had drained the last of her remaining energy.

Resting her arms on the window frame, she stared ahead without focus. On her way home, looking at the Han River, she suddenly felt a sense of incongruity, thinking that Ji-hyuk’s atmosphere seemed excessively like the past.