The Season I Loved You Without You - Chapter 85

CHAPTER 85

Go-yeo visited the shop for the first time in a while to get her hair done and her makeup applied. In the past, such things used to lift her spirits, but now everything felt numb. Despite the forecast of an upcoming monsoon, the scorching midsummer sun heated the ground so intensely that the heat lingered even after sunset.

Go-yeo attended Tae-shin’s wedding. She wondered if she needed to go, but as an executive of Wushin Securities, there was no reason not to attend such a formal occasion.

As she took her designated seat, she glanced at Sang-moon, who sat beside her. Sang-moon, who was to officiate the first part of the ceremony, quietly accepted greetings from approaching guests. When there was a moment of calm, Go-yeo moistened her dry lips with water and quietly spoke to Sang-moon and Yeong-ran.

“…I’m planning to go to France for a while.”

Sang-moon did not press for more details. Although he wasn’t pleased with the idea of Go-yeo visiting Ji-hyuk, he resigned to it if it brought her peace of mind. Perhaps thinking that distance would be better, Sang-moon asked calmly.

“Where in France, and for how long?”

“I haven’t planned it yet. It might take longer than I thought.”

Despite Go-yeo’s bombshell statement, Sang-moon and Yeong-ran, seemingly prepared, showed no significant reaction. As the wedding ceremony began, Go-yeo saw Tae-shin and his bride smiling happily, and for the first time today, she smiled slightly and clapped.

‘So, he’s getting married after all.’

She didn’t know if all the conflicts with Mrs. Park had been completely resolved, but she believed Tae-shin would take good care of his bride and their unborn child. Tae-shin understood and trusted the love he had received from his parents, so he would likely navigate his new family life wisely unlike some others.

After the first part of the ceremony, Go-yeo briefly greeted her parents and left the hotel. She sent Jin-young away and drove herself to meet Ga-eul. Although she wanted to delay the time as much as possible, she realized it was meaningless.

‘…This is the right thing for everyone.’

On the way to meet Ga-eul, she tried to organize her thoughts to speak as calmly and unaffectedly as possible. She reminded herself repeatedly not to stare at him too much, to remember him just a little more than usual.

As she approached his house, she saw Ga-eul already waiting on the first floor. Watching him walk towards her car, Go-yeo observed him silently. It was Yoon Ga-eul’s characteristic summer-like smile. Her heart felt like it was hardening and crumbling at that radiant smile.

She sat Ga-eul in the passenger seat, insisting on driving herself.

“Where have you been today? You look more beautiful than usual.”

His innocent, harmless question and compliment only elicited a formal smile from Go-yeo. Ga-eul spoke sporadically after that, but the excessively quiet atmosphere in between made it hard to breathe. Go-yeo turned on the music, filling the silence with the crescendo of a violin.

Go-yeo herself had only recently discovered such a place in Seoul. Driving up a gentle mountain path led to a spot where the sky seemed to touch the earth, offering a clear view of the night sky. Even though tropical nights had begun, the mountain was cool. Fresh, brisk air flowed in through the car windows.

They parked on a hill and walked closer to the railing. Below, the brightly lit Seoul sprawled out, and the sky, without the moon, was dotted with stars. Ga-eul stood next to her, taking in the cool air and gazing at the sky.

“Stars are usually more visible in winter, but they’re quite clear tonight even though it’s midsummer.”

“Why are they more visible in winter?”

“In winter, the low humidity keeps the sky clear.”

Go-yeo nodded, staring intently at the night sky she hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Starlight that we see now was emitted thousands of light-years ago. The stars we see might not even exist anymore. From a cosmic perspective, it might feel like the past, present, and future are all connected.”

Ga-eul looked at Go-yeo, wishing to believe that this moment they shared was not just the past or present, but a future they would revisit with fond memories. Despite knowing she wouldn’t respond, he couldn’t suppress his overflowing feelings.

“I love you.”

For Ga-eul, these words were meant for the future, through the lens of the past. He knew the stars, shining from thousands of light-years away, would remember this moment.

Go-yeo simply looked at the sky in response to his whisper. Countless stars shone brightly in the clear sky. Despite the forecast of the monsoon’s onset, the weather was surprisingly clear; she thought it might have been better if it were raining.

She quietly took in the stars, which shone harmlessly and innocently, much like Yoon Ga-eul’s eyes.

“Ga-eul.”

Go-yeo turned to look at Ga-eul, who had been watching her instead of the stars. She smiled slightly in response to his smile.

“Did I ever tell you? That your eyes sparkle more than the stars?”

Ga-eul was a bit surprised by her sudden confession. He blinked, feeling shy, then broke into a broad smile.

“You’re a truly radiant person. Someone whose future holds great promise.”

Not fully understanding her words, Ga-eul pondered silently before glancing at Go-yeo again, who was now looking back at the sky. Despite the countless beautiful stars reflected in her eyes, they seemed filled with sorrow. Ga-eul had a sense of what she was about to say, even if he didn’t want to presume.

“…Go-yeo, can’t you not say what you’re about to say?”

Go-yeo couldn’t decide whether to feel grateful or sorry for his sensitivity to the atmosphere. She simply gripped the railing tightly, preparing to say the words she had rehearsed.

Thinking back, Go-yeo realized that there had always been a precarious tension between her and Ga-eul. From the beginning, their relationship had been driven by an unstable impulse. She had acted like a moth drawn to a flame, ultimately damaging someone who had worked so hard. Therefore, they simply needed to return to their original places.

“Moon Ji-hyuk has woken up. But his condition is still unstable. I think I need to be by his side. And I…”

Go-yeo knew exactly what she needed to say to ensure there were no lingering feelings between her and Ga-eul. She took a breath to steady herself.

“…I realized I still have feelings for Moon Ji-hyuk. So, I can’t be with you.”

Ga-eul found it hard to believe her words completely. Until recently, they had spent happy times together, and it wasn’t like her to change her mind so abruptly.

Moreover, even if Go-yeo didn’t explicitly express her feelings, Ga-eul could see that a part of her heart was still with him.

“…Don’t lie. Don’t say such things while you can’t even look me in the eyes.”

At his words, Go-yeo looked at him. Although it wasn’t part of her plan, she intended to completely sever her feelings for him by mentioning her deep past with Moon Ji-hyuk.

“There was a time when Ji-hyuk and I had a child. Although the child didn’t come into this world… there’s no place for you between us.”

She believed she could handle herself and return to being the old Go-yeo. She could deal with him indifferently, as if he were someone she didn’t care about, like something to be discarded once it had served its purpose.

“Do you think I’m lying?”

Ga-eul felt suffocated by the cold, empty look in her dark eyes. There had been moments when he felt breathless with joy just by looking at her, but this was the first time he felt such a desolate, cliff-edge feeling. Although this wasn’t their first breakup, the sudden sinking feeling in his heart told him that this was truly the end for them.

“Have you ever thought it was natural for us to be able to face each other like this? Haven’t you considered it?”

Even with her elegant words, Go-yeo was essentially telling Ga-eul to know his place. It felt as if she was stabbing him with a long knife while simultaneously feeling that same stab herself. His chest seemed to bleed as if he had been mortally wounded.

Ga-eul had no words. He had always considered how to become someone worthy of her, but now he realized that no effort would ever be enough. He had postponed facing this reality because he enjoyed their time together, but he had always known that there was a gap between them as vast as light and shadow. Now, she made it clear that there was no way he could ever bridge that gap.

“…Why are you doing this to me all of a sudden? Do you think that by saying these things, I’ll be so hurt that I’ll just walk away easily?”

Despite always being compliant with Go-yeo, for the first time, Ga-eul opposed her.

“…Who do you think you are? Your hurt means nothing to me.”

Even as she spoke such harsh words, she flinched and stepped back when Ga-eul moved closer. He held her shoulders and gently placed his hand on her cheek.

“Someone who’s not affected doesn’t cry like this.”

He whispered as he wiped away the tears streaming down her face. Go-yeo, realizing she hadn’t even noticed she was crying, brushed away the wetness on her cheeks. She knew her plan had completely failed. Ga-eul, brushing her lips with his thumb to stop her from biting them, spoke calmly.

“…Don’t cry. If you want, I’ll stop. As long as you don’t cry, right?”

He hesitated, reaching out for her hand out of habit, but then stopped.

“….”

Go-yeo straightened her back even more, trying not to falter. She steadied her trembling breath and focused her blurry vision.

“Alright. If it means you won’t cry, I’ll do it. And don’t cry anymore. Just thinking about it hurts. If you’re okay, I think I can be okay too. No, I will be okay.”

The faint fragrance of her hair, blowing in the wind, lingered in his nose. Even the smallest things made his heartache, and he wondered if he could truly live indifferently. But Yoon Ga-eul knew he had to grant whatever Han Go-yeo wanted. If what she wanted was a breakup, he would let her go, even if it crushed his heart, to make it easier for her to walk away.

“…I’ll leave everything here, so forget about my feelings. Don’t worry about me. Okay?”

Ga-eul tried hard not to cry, committing her image to memory for the last time. He wanted to collapse and hold onto her legs, but he knew that was not what she wanted, so he bit down on his tender lip and held back.

Ga-eul then walked back down the path alone, the path they had walked together. The only sound was his footsteps echoing in the quiet night.

Go-yeo stood still, listening to his footsteps until she could no longer hear them. She looked up at the now clouded night sky and sank to the ground. She wept silently, burying her face in her hands. Whispering his name, Yoon Ga-eul, she continued to cry quietly.

It was just one of the countless, mundane breakups that the stars had witnessed, but it felt particularly cold because the season of Ga-eul had now disappeared.