The Season I Loved You Without You - Chapter 79

CHAPTER 79

Ga-eul waited after the call with Go-yeo, preparing to go out. During that time, he cleaned his room and looked at his hair, which he had styled himself, in the mirror several times. Feeling that it was taking too long, he worked on his assignments and prepared for tutoring, but no contact came, making him slowly start to worry if something had happened.

He suddenly wondered if she had found out about the rumors floating around the school. He shook his head at the absurd assumption, but the fact that he had a secret weighed heavily on his heart.

Not telling her intentionally was like lying because it meant hiding something. However, he couldn’t just innocently say there were such rumors but they were not true. No matter how kindly he put it, it would be an insult to her. But above all, he was most afraid that being honest about it would make her let go of Yoon Ga-eul’s hand. Although she said Yoon Ga-eul was too innocent and kind, Yoon Ga-eul felt selfish in front of Han Go-yeo.

He picked up his phone to contact her and saw the portal site news headline he had been looking at earlier. He was startled and looked again, confirming that it was indeed about that man. The sudden news of his accident was very shocking, and he guessed that she would know this fact too.

Even though he was someone he never ended well with every time they met, it wasn’t that he wished for his death. It wasn’t out of a grand sense of superiority, but because if he died, he would always remain in her memory. A man who occupied a corner of her heart forever, yet there was no way around it. He didn’t want to share anything; he wanted all of her to be his. If he lived an ordinary life and met someone else, Go-yeo could also comfortably forget him.

-No, it’s not the boss… She’s fine.

He confirmed his guess through the contact from Jin-young. She was not in a state to receive any contact. It felt like there was no room to squeeze between those two people again. Not knowing how to express this feeling, Ga-eul let out a long sigh of frustration. Realizing the heavy emotions while fiddling with his lips, he felt sadness and misery.

“…It’s okay. It will be okay.”

Although it wasn’t a thought for someone standing at the crossroads of life and death, the person currently beside her was Yoon Ga-eul. He thought he deserved at least that much right. She would surely know that he would be worried if there was no contact.

There was still no contact from Go-yeo the next day.

* * *

Go-yeo waited for a full 12 hours in front of the operating room. It was because she thought he might die during the surgery. She endured that time with the sole thought that when Moon Ji-hyuk woke up, instead of apologizing for saying such things to him, she would give him a piece of her mind.

In the late hours of the night, a doctor looking exhausted finally came out of the operating room.

“Fortunately, the surgery went well, but there was significant bleeding, and the organs are very swollen. He is still unconscious. We need to monitor his progress.”

As Go-yeo staggered at the doctor’s words, Jin-young, who was beside her, supported her. A rough voice slipped through her chapped lips.

“…So, when can I see Moon Ji-hyuk?”

“I’ll allow you to see him briefly before he goes to the intensive care unit.”

Go-yeo hesitated several times, sanitizing her hands, wearing a mask and disposable sterile clothes, and then moved again. She entered the room, swallowing the sobs welling up deep in her chest.

The sharp smell of disinfectant and the dizzying array of devices and machines attached to his body overwhelmed her. She approached and looked at his face. Ji-hyuk, lying on the bed as if asleep, looked strangely peaceful, not matching the situation at all.

His body had no unscathed parts. His face had numerous small cuts and bruises everywhere. Go-yeo tried hard not to cry pathetically, pressing her mouth shut. She gently held the tip of his hand with her trembling hand. Despite her efforts, the tears she had held back fell. His warmth was still there. Moon Ji-hyuk was alive.

“…You foolish thing, just wake up.”

When the brief time granted by the doctor ended, Go-yeo stepped out and collapsed into a chair outside, feeling like she might faint. As the tension released, fatigue washed over her. She pressed her stinging eyes and closed them for a moment.

She had sorted out her feelings for Moon Ji-hyuk. Yet what troubled her was the long-standing connection they had rather than the position of past lover or spouse. She simply wanted that connection to live on ordinarily.

‘You needed someone to be there for you, not necessarily me, and I can’t quench your thirst.’

Even if her actions and words towards him would still be the best course if she went back to that time, her heart felt heavy. Ignoring his precarious state was something she still regretted.

“Hah…”

With a low sigh, she finally looked around and realized that a whole day had passed. She had completely forgotten her promise to Ga-eul. She needed time to organize her thoughts before contacting him.

Before leaving the hospital, she checked the visiting hours for the ICU and asked to be contacted if anything happened. She returned home and explained the situation to Sang-moon and Yeong-ran, then rested. Her head felt like it was going to burst with pain.

She thought she had only dozed off, but seeing the light coming through the curtains, it was already evening. When she touched her eyes, they were swollen. She blinked her heavy eyes and picked up her phone. Since the previous evening, there had been no further contact from Ga-eul.

Although Jin-young had explained that something had come up, Ga-eul seemed to know what was going on with Ji-hyuk. Thinking of him waiting quietly as if awaiting judgment made her heart ache as if something had pricked it.

Shamelessly, she missed Ga-eul’s voice and his embrace terribly, but given the situation with her ex-husband, she couldn’t ask him to endure the discomfort any longer. Telling him the truth and asking for time until Ji-hyuk woke up felt like deceit. She pondered what to say to hurt him the least, but it felt as arrogant as deciding the least painful way to kill someone.

“…”

She was just staring at her phone when she was startled by his call. She couldn’t keep putting it off and avoiding it, so she answered.

– Hello? Go-yeo?

“Yeah. You waited for my call last night, didn’t you?”

– …I was worried.

“…”

She needed to say something, but no words came out.

– More than anything, I’m in front of your house. I just really wanted to see you.

His voice, full of longing, made her heart collapse helplessly.

‘Ah, I should have braced myself before hearing Yoon Ga-eul’s voice….’

She heard his quiet, steady footsteps coming down the hall past the front door. Although she had decided to let him in, she still couldn’t figure out how to face him. So she chose to avoid his gaze.

“Sit down. I’ll get you something to drink.”

She guided him to the living room sofa and quickly turned towards the kitchen. In that brief moment, she felt Yoon Ga-eul’s warmth from behind. His embrace was warm and wide enough to make her forget everything. Trembling in her distant thoughts, she tightly closed her eyes.

Ga-eul hugged her shoulders from behind, resting his head on the nape of her neck. When she tried to release his arm, he held her tighter.

“Just for a moment, let’s stay like this…”

She felt a soft touch on her neck that quickly disappeared. Ga-eul loosened his grip and turned her to face him, but she avoided his eyes. He gently caressed her cheek and the corners of her downcast eyes.

“…Have you been crying a lot?”

‘Have you cried a lot because of him?’

“Are you having a hard time right now?”

‘Is it because of him that you can’t even look at me?’

Swallowing the words he couldn’t bear to say, Ga-eul asked. Go-yeo, who had been immovable, lifted her head. Meeting his eyes almost made her cry again, but she held back, thinking Yoon Ga-eul needed to stand before her.

“I have something to tell you.”

Ga-eul wanted to avoid this conversation at all costs.

“Does it have to be now?”

At her nod, he bit his lower lip nervously.

She prepared two cups of warm chamomile tea and placed them on the table. It was the first time she had served him tea. She stared blankly at the clear tea. She felt Ga-eul’s gaze but pondered where to begin.

“I don’t know if you know this, but Moon Ji-hyuk is in critical condition due to an accident. I also heard the news yesterday, and after a long surgery, he is currently in the intensive care unit.”

She moistened her parched lips with tea, stifling a sigh that came out involuntarily.

“Moon Ji-hyuk is indeed part of the past, but it’s not entirely true. I feel a sense of responsibility for what happened to him…”

Ga-eul quietly took Go-yeo’s hand in the middle of her words.

“I understand. It’s just a sense of responsibility.”

Go-yeo shook her head slightly.

“Listen to me before you try to understand. I plan to wait until he becomes okay. He might die as it is, and even if he survives, who knows what will happen, but I intend to resolve the sense of debt I have toward Ji-hyuk. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for that uncertain amount of time.”

Ga-eul fully understood what Go-yeo meant. He knew she was making this decision for his sake. But what Yoon Ga-eul truly wanted was not this. All he wanted was to stay by her side, despite everything.

“It’s not a sacrifice. I’m fine with it. Can’t you let me do what I want?”

It was such a typical Yoon Ga-eul response. If she had given it more thought, she would have anticipated him saying something like this. Despite the moment, she felt a fleeting fondness for his earnest reply.

“That’s not right. You’re precious as you are. Why should you have to sacrifice yourself?”

“I’m naturally like this. Even if I seem foolish, I can’t help it when it comes to you.”

“.……”

Ga-eul often asked himself why he clung to her so blindly. The beginning was the overwhelming sense of awe he felt the first time he saw her. And the calmness and different world she embodied, which he had never experienced, filled the void inside him.

She always had what he lacked, so he instinctively wanted to possess her. What started as a small spark had grown into a blaze, burning like dry wood, and he was caught off guard and overwhelmed. He didn’t know where this emotion would lead. He vaguely thought it might fade over time, but sometimes this idea felt absurd. He felt she would always have a place in his heart in some form.

“I’m really okay, so if you need to do this for him, then do it. Just promise me you won’t let go of my hand. Okay?”

Go-yeo had to chew on the insides of her thin lips firmly to keep her from nodding. She realized that secretly she hoped for Ga-eul to grant her this. Outwardly, she appeared to be tangled in various thoughts, showing consideration and deference to him, but she didn’t want to miss Yoon Ga-eul. Purely because of her selfish desires. She had grown accustomed to his always accommodating care. So naturally, she was demanding his sacrifice.

“If you truly care for me, do as I wish. Okay?”

Although it had been difficult enough to lose her senses due to Moon Ji-hyuk’s accident, it was largely due to a deep sense of guilt. She knew it was selfish to wish for Moon Ji-hyuk to be safe and sound before his eyes.

Regardless of what happened to him now, there was no one to blame, but she knew well that she was burdening Yoon Ga-eul to put her mind at ease.

Knowing that Yoon Ga-eul, who always seemed kind, would silently endure his inner turmoil, she didn’t want to miss out on the gentle Yoon Ga-eul. She wanted to grasp everything emanating from Yoon Ga-eul.

As Go-yeo gave no answers, Ga-eul slightly inclined his head towards her, flashing the smile she liked. Go-yeo gave a small chuckle at the absurdity of him becoming more and more like a fox, unlike the first time.

Feeling relieved by Go-yeo’s smile, Ga-eul smiled even wider. He gently caressed her palm with his thumb. Then he pulled her close and embraced her. As he held her small, delicate body tightly, her restless heart found peace.

“I hope he’ll live.”

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t envy the man. But he found feeble comfort in the fact that her feelings had shifted towards him for now.

Ga-eul put on the pajamas Go-yeo had prepared for him and lay down beside her. In the past, he would have worn the ones that belonged to the person who used to stay here, but now he wore the pajamas she had bought herself recently.

“I like this.”

“Then take it home and wear it there.”

“No, I want to leave it here and wear it again and again.”

Knowing that when she wanted to hide her happiness, Go-yeo would smile softly, he understood that she was feeling good now.

Though he wanted to instinctively make love to her in bed, Ga-eul held back. He focused on their conversation, feeling her breath against his chest, not reacting elsewhere.

“…I’m getting sleepy just being like this.”

“Then sleep.”

Ga-eul murmured as he gently stroked Go-yeo’s long, soft hair. He smiled contentedly, feeling the movement of her nodding head. Just as Yoon Ga-eul found solace in her, she too felt solace in him, and he couldn’t be happier.