The Season I Loved You Without You - Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Ga-eul finished tutoring and headed to the hospital. Upon entering the ward, he sanitized his hands. Sunshine was streaming into his mother’s spot. She was sleeping comfortably there. Ga-eul approached quietly and sat beside the bed.

His mother’s pale face still held a faint smile. Her neatly folded hands were frail, and the sheen of her nails was gone. He had never taken off her hat since starting chemotherapy. It was sad to see it now, having become a part of her.

‘If only I had paid more attention.’

His mother’s eyelids trembled, and her black pupils glanced at Ga-eul. She blinked a few times as if dizzy, then managed a faint smile.

“…Son.”

A dry sound barely escaped her parched lips. Their clasped hands felt warm.

Ga-eul chuckled innocently.

“I’m here.”

“Take a rest. Why did you come? Have you eaten?”

Despite her words, Hee-sook seemed pleased that Ga-eul had come. A year ago, she suddenly complained of stomach pain and was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Eun-jae, a high school student who was listening to the doctor’s diagnosis with her, cried and called Ga-eul, who was in the military at the time. The cancer had spread rapidly throughout her body, requiring surgery to remove the stomach and enduring chemotherapy.

But Hee-sook seemed more burdened by being a burden to her children than by the pain itself. Whenever she saw Ga-eul taking care of her instead of the other way around, she felt guilty. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to give up everything, feeling immensely selfish for wanting more from life.

She had hoped to see Ga-eul graduate from college, become a teacher, see Eun-jae become a college student, and even see her children get married. But her desires seemed endless.

“Are you tired, Ga-eul?”

It was a pointless question, but ultimately, it was the only comfort and strength she could offer. Ga-eul held Hee-sook’s hand tightly and nodded. Then, he smiled, showing dimples.

“Don’t worry about me, just focus on getting better.”

Hee-sook carefully observed Ga-eul, who resembled his father. Despite his awkwardness, he was a warm person. She saw that in Ga-eul. If only he had lived longer to see Ga-eul more alive.

“Oh? Big brother’s here?”

At the cheerful voice, both of them turned to where the sound came from. Eun-jae approached with a wide smile. Hee-sook faintly smiled, alternating her gaze between Eun-jae and Ga-eul. Their fair faces and clear eyes resembled each other.

When the children left the room, Hee-sook picked up her knitting needles. She always worried about Ga-eul’s slender neck, even in the chilly winter. So, she diligently worked on knitting a scarf before the harsh winter arrived. It felt shameful and regretful that this was all she could do, but she was grateful that she could help in some way.

The treatment process was tough, often leaving her drained and in pain, needing to lie down or sleep due to exhaustion. So, she had to complete the scarf whenever she had a little energy left.

As Hee-sook busily knitted, the elderly lady in the neighboring bed spoke up.

“The siblings look so alike.”

Hee-sook smiled widely. Her eyes were on the elderly lady, but her hands never stopped knitting.

“Oh, Grandma. Of course, they look alike.”

“You brag so much about your son going to a prestigious university. Is your daughter doing well in her studies too?”

“She’s good, but not as good as her brother.”

The grandmother chuckled affectionately.

“As long as you get better soon, dear. Endure it. You’re still young. You have to see your children get married and even your grandchildren.”

Instead of replying, Hee-sook just smiled and nodded.

* * *

Eun-jae glanced at Ga-eul as they left the hospital. His face looked gaunt as if he had lost weight in the past few days. Bearing all those medical expenses alone wasn’t easy. And on top of that, how would he manage living expenses and next semester’s tuition?

“Eun-jae.”

“Brother.”

Eun-jae and Ga-eul called out to each other simultaneously. After a brief silence, a small laugh escaped them. Ga-eul looked at Eun-jae in her school uniform, knowing exactly what she was thinking with that small head of hers.

“Don’t take on part-time jobs. Got it? Don’t worry about money, just focus on your studies. And I’ll help you enjoy things you can do at your age.”

Ga-eul’s tone was gentle but firm. Eun-jae’s eyes widened slightly. Ga-eul’s lips curved into a faint smile, but his tightly sealed lips seemed stubborn. People often described Ga-eul as gentle and kind, but that was only true when it suited him.

But Eun-jae could also contribute to their livelihood by balancing work and studies.

“But, why go to such lengths, Brother?”

“Eun-jae. Let me do this for you.”

Eun-jae wore a puzzled expression as if questioning why Ga-eul was going to such lengths, but Ga-eul simply smiled. 

They had sold their original house and moved into a smaller one to cover the surgery expenses. Even now, most of his earnings went towards chemotherapy, but it wasn’t dire. If things didn’t improve, he would have to resort to student loans for the next semester. So, he hoped that at least Eun-jae could live like an ordinary student of her age, studying, hanging out with friends, and living without money worries.

Eun-jae opened her mouth but closed it again. To Eun-jae, Ga-eul might not be affectionate, but he was a warm older brother. Eun-jae understood his intentions. Was it because of the guilt about his Mom?

Even though Seok-hoon, Ga-eul’s father, is Eun-jae’s stepfather, the family of four lived together for less than a year. Moreover, Seok-Hoon died in an accident without any legal action being taken. When her stepfather passed away, Eun-jae honestly didn’t care. Because the accident occurred before any emotions could arise, there were no feelings of loss. Instead, she was curious about what will happen to Ga-eul.

In the end, her mom became Ga Eul’s legal guardian and they became a family of three. Although she and Ga-eul were legally family, biologically they were strangers.

Sometimes, it would have been nice if Ga-eul expressed when things were tough. At times, she felt inadequate compared to others. Worry for her mom and guilt towards her brother, all mingled in her heart, rising. She clenched her teeth.

Ga-eul saw Eun-jae off to the hospital and waited for the bus. The sun was setting on the horizon. The crimson sunset painted the world. The chill of winter seemed to be approaching, making Ga-eul shiver.

It was time to return to being someone’s accessory in their world. The term “accessory” wasn’t necessarily negative. After all, it was necessary if you didn’t want to completely fall apart. Ga-eul boarded the bus to the club, smiling as if nothing was amiss.

* * *

In the club’s waiting room, most people either napped or scrolled through their phones. Personal conversations were rare among the patrons here. There were some peers, but most seemed a bit older.

Ga-eul had already completed one shift today. It wasn’t far, and the client was polite. They tipped him a few bills, even though he received a separate salary. Since he was allowed to accept personal tips according to the policy, he took them without fuss.

Returning to the waiting room, Ga-eul absentmindedly glanced out the window before picking up the newspaper that had been carelessly left on the desk. He skimmed through articles on politics and economics. Two people nearby whispered, catching Ga-eul’s attention. He ignored them and started reading the science section instead.

“Do you know Han Go-yeo?”

“Is that a name? I don’t know. Who is she? A celebrity?”

“No. She’s the daughter of the Wushin Financial Holdings.”

“So what?”

“This is a picture of Han Go-yeo. Look at her face.”

“Oh, she’s so sexy.”

“Right? But… her chest and hips. But she’s a real party girl. There have been scandals about her divorce. Some say she got divorced because of that.”

Ga-eul frowned at the increasingly vulgar words. He neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the desk. By the time he went to drink warm water from the water dispenser, he was called.

The manager had cautioned Ga-eul to be extra careful since he was a VVIP chauffeur for the club. The white car he drove was a model he had never driven before.

‘It’s probably more expensive than my old house.’

As someone sat in the backseat, a faint scent of alcohol and perfume lingered. Once the backseat door closed quietly, the car started moving. It was a brand-new car with minimal wear. He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants for no reason. He glanced briefly at the rearview mirror.

The passenger staring blankly out the window was the woman she had met a few days ago. She was like a mesmerizing painting, looking at her without reservation. She was like the view of the Han River at night, something he had never seen before.

“Ah, annoying.”

The woman sighed repeatedly. Ga-eul felt nervous, wondering if he had done something wrong, making his fingers tingle and his body stiffen. He even considered lowering the window to let out the scent in the car, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. All he could do was keep an eye on the woman’s condition through the rearview mirror.

“…”

The moonlight illuminated her face. For a moment, her eyes sparkled. The woman seemed lonely, like a wildflower blooming alone by the roadside, not a lush summer rose. It was a banal observation. Really.

Their eyes met. Afraid that she might have had ridiculous thoughts, Ga-eul quickly averted his gaze.

‘Well, she probably wouldn’t even recognize me.’

Just someone who interrupted her quiet rest on the terrace. Would she remember their brief conversation? He avoided her gaze, but he still felt the woman’s gaze on him, making the back of his head feel hot.

“How old are you?”

The woman abruptly asked for his age, as if she thought Ga-eul was a minor. There was no conversation to be had, but Ga-eul exerted quite a bit of effort to utter a few words. Did his voice tremble slightly? Would that even be noticeable?

He was relieved that he had familiarized himself with the controls to play music upon request. The woman hummed along to Debussy’s Clair de Lune piano melody, smiling. Perhaps she wasn’t even aware of herself doing so. She continued to press her temples with a furrowed brow, seemingly experiencing a headache.

As the car ascended a hill, it shook. Oh, he should have been more careful. The woman who had been dozing off suddenly woke up and requested to be dropped off. As they got out of the car, the woman approached. She extended her card, masking a request as if it were an order. She seemed accustomed to giving instructions.

Being alone in the park late at night could be dangerous, despite the good neighborhood and decent security. Ga-eul hurriedly ran off, his heart pounding.

“Uh, do you have any cigarettes with a blue ribbon?”

“Pardon?”

He stopped by the convenience store to buy cigarettes, but the clerk seemed confused by his vague description. Perhaps he should have kept a closer eye on the cigarettes he received last time. Instead of cigarettes, he bought lemon candies, hangover relief medicine, and canned coffee. He also took the money from his back pocket, not the woman’s card, and bought a headache pill.

Approaching the woman sitting on the bench, her eyes slowly closed and opened again. Her fan-like eyelashes flickered. Their eyes met.

Strangely, it felt as if the air between them had disappeared at that moment, leaving a vacuum. He felt like a fish lifted out of the water, gasping for air. He understood the sudden onset of inexplicable emotions, but he didn’t know the reason behind them.

“Well… The staff didn’t know about the cigarettes you mentioned, so I couldn’t buy them. So, I thought maybe candies would be okay instead of cigarettes.”

The woman extended her hand with a small smile. He offered the lemon candies he had been holding in his pocket. Seemed impressed by the explanation of not being able to buy cigarettes, she nodded approvingly. Perhaps she wasn’t a fan of cigarettes herself, given that she didn’t even know the name of the brand she smoked.

The woman’s palm was fleeting but soft and warm. The fingers that touched it felt as if they had been scorched by fire. So, he quickly put his hand in his pocket and clenched it tightly.

Was she planning to sit here alone late at night? The woman seemed puzzled by his lack of movement. Uncertain of what to say, Ga-eul hesitated to respond, and the woman handed her a check as if it were a matter of course.

He just waved his hand dismissively at the large sum of money. With some trivial words, she withdrew her hand. Fortunately, it was dark, and he felt relieved to have the headache pills in his pocket. His ears were burning, his face was flushed. It was an irrational surge of emotions. It was embarrassing.