The Season I Loved You Without You - Chapter 38

CHAPTER 38

Is it a dream? The memories Go-yeo see before her now are from the days just before their divorce, when her mouth was dry from not having her period for several days. If only they had been more careful with contraception. That thought was the only thing swirling around in her head.

She couldn’t handle having a child right now. She felt relieved when she saw spotting during that shower. But when it didn’t stop, she went to the hospital, and they said there was a baby.

 She didn’t even feel disgusted towards herself for being relieved as she removed those byproducts. Because when she got home and saw Yun Seung-ok looking at her as if she was satisfied with everything, that was why.

Now, what she remembers is that the emotions she couldn’t deal with at the time were being cut open by Moon Ji-hyuk, allowing them to flow out. 

Go-yeo was disgusted with herself for being so foolish.

What was lacking that she lived with such treatment? Refusing something that was once a part of herself, what did she live for? She should have faced it then. She should have felt sad even for a moment over the little things. She should have felt sorry for that life with minimal responsibility.

Now Go-yeo feels meaningless regret, but if she had done that back then, she wouldn’t feel like she’s crumbling away without a plan.

The only thing she thought she did right was not telling Moon Ji-hyuk. She would have just provided an emotional drain with melodramatic stories. She wasn’t even someone who considered that existence particularly special.

Even though she didn’t want to bring back her irresponsible past self, who was so contemptible and miserable, now, her body and mind seemed to accept that it was really over with Moon Ji-hyuk.

Wiping away the tears with hands stained with blood isn’t real. It’s all over now.

It was clear that Han Go-yeo would live on as Han Go-yeo. But why couldn’t she understand why something warm was flowing down her cheek?

Ga-eul saw Han Go-yeo sleeping peacefully and remembered that Aunt Sumi wouldn’t come tomorrow because it was the weekend. It seemed right to leave her alone, as she said, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Before leaving the room, he looked back at her whimpering. When he brought the thermometer and cautiously measured, it was over 38.5 degrees. He prepared the fever reducer and brought water and wiped her face and neck with a towel.

Even in doing so, she did not wake from her deep sleep. Even wiping her with a cold towel didn’t help much. When he measured her temperature again, it had risen even higher.

Ga-eul thought it couldn’t wait any longer and woke Han Go-yeo up to give her the fever reducer.

“Boss. Boss, please have this and go back to sleep.”

Though her eyes flickered with consciousness, they closed again. Her exhales were too hot.

Ga-eul no longer hesitated and lifted Go-yeo’s body, bringing the water to her lips. At that moment, Go-yeo briefly opened her eyes. With furrowed brows, she looked at Ga-eul, but it seemed like she didn’t recognize the person in front of her.

“Umm….”

Instead of waking up Go-yeo, who had barely drunk any water and fallen asleep again, Ga-eul kissed her lips after moistening them with water. Her dry lips hurt. Nevertheless, he thought it was fortunate that she managed to swallow a little bit of water.

He put a fever reducer in her mouth and made her swallow water. Worried that she might choke, he leaned her body against the head of the bed for a while. After confirming that she had swallowed it properly, he laid her back on the bed.

He thought if the fever didn’t go down soon, they would have to go to the hospital. He went downstairs to the kitchen to see if there was something for her to eat when she woke up, but apart from the salad in the neatly arranged refrigerator, there was nothing. Luckily, there were some ingredients left from last time, so he made egg porridge. It was a porridge that Eun-jae liked to eat when she was sick. He didn’t know if Go-yeo would eat it, but there weren’t many dishes he could make.

After tidying up the kitchen, he headed to the living room. Then, he approached the window. He had been to Go-yeo’s house many times, but he had never seen outside the window. It was a house overlooking the Han River.

“I can see the unfamiliar Seoul night view every day.”

He remembered the article he had read today. He decided not to dwell on many things that were meaningless to him now. He had to remain a person who did what he could in his current position. After quietly gazing at the flowing Han River, he went back upstairs.

He knocked softly on the bedroom door and entered. The sound of her breathing seemed better than before. He wiped her face and neck with cold water after changing the lukewarm water to cold water. He was bothered by her clothes soaked with cold sweat.

After hesitating for a moment, Ga-eul found some clothes. Since there didn’t seem to be any clothes in the bedroom, he looked for another room where there might be clothes. He entered a room where clothes and bags were neatly organized throughout and found comfortable clothes to wear.

“….”

He tried to change Go-yeo’s clothes while sitting on the bed, but his hands couldn’t move as he intended. If she found out about this fact, there would surely be room for misunderstanding.

“Boss, excuse me for a moment. I’m sorry.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, but it was better than staying in her uncomfortable, wet clothes. He unzipped the back and took out her arms, supporting her body to lean to the side. He quickly changed her into the new clothes, keeping his gaze fixed on the ceiling.

After organizing the clothes and covering her with a blanket again, he noticed red marks and blue bruises on both wrists. Surprised, he carefully examined her wrists. He gently rubbed them with his thumb while looking at Go-yeo, who was breathing heavily.

“What on earth happened?”

He applied ointment gently on her wrists and wrapped them with bandages. He brought a chair and placed it by the bedside, looking at her sleeping figure under the soft light for a while.

He knew very well that this was unacceptable. Even if it was just a self-serving excuse like ‘I’m just a nurse.’ He watched over her without realizing how time passed. Then, when he took her temperature again, the fever had dropped a bit. It was fortunate. He wiped her face and neck once again with a cold towel. Even though the fever had gone down, the remaining warmth made the cold towel lukewarm.

As he was about to get up to fetch fresh water, Go-yeo’s breathing suddenly changed. It became irregular, then she began to sob softly. Ga-eul stopped in his tracks and gently woke Go-yeo.

“Boss.”

Her sobbing turned into quiet crying rather than silent weeping. Tears streamed down her cheeks endlessly. Ga-eul felt a lump in his throat for no reason and bit his lip hard.

“…Stop crying. Don’t hurt yourself.”

He said words that wouldn’t reach her, gently wiping away tears with his hand. Her small face fit entirely in his hand.

A person who could hurt him even with fragile tears shedding on her cheek. The unfamiliar sensations he had never felt before were nothing but painful.

All he could do was hold her crying hands tightly and wipe away her tears.

* * *

Go-yeo’s body felt heavy as if it had been weighted down by cold. She barely lifted her eyelids.

“Ha….”

Even the sigh that came out softly seemed to be torn apart. She remembered coming home with Ga-eul’s help, but everything after that was a blackout. When she tried to raise her arm, she found herself wearing different clothes, and there were white bandages wrapped around her wrists.

When she turned her head in confusion, she saw Ga-eul sleeping on his stomach next to hers. His face reflected in the light was gentle and serene.

‘He used to sleep on his stomach even when he came home from work. Do smart kids sleep well even when they’re not lying down?’

She chuckled at the thought, which was different from her current situation. When she tried to get up, she felt dizzy as if the world was spinning. She leaned against the head of the bed, holding her head. At the touch, Ga-eul slowly opened his eyes. As their eyes met, he was startled, and then he sat up straight.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

Go-yeo smiled weakly and lowered her head. By now, she felt sorry for showing herself so weak to him. Moreover, it wasn’t appropriate to apologize to someone who seemed to have fallen asleep while taking care of her, considering his condition.

“Oh, you had a fever all night.”

As Go-yeo remained silent and looked at Ga-eul, Ga-eul seemed to think an explanation was necessary and said this and that. So, she heard that she had a pretty high fever, that he gave her medicine, changed her clothes, and treated her wrists. And he said she had slept for a whole day.

This was the first time she had been in such pain as an adult. She wanted to give him some reward for the care and affection that her mother would have given.

“Thank you.”

“No, anyone would have done the same in that situation. And this is all I can do.”

A small sigh escaped from Ga-eul at his words. Even in her hoarse voice, she felt like she should say this.

“….Mr. Ga-eul, don’t lower yourself in front of others. Your actions aren’t natural at all. It’s because you’re the kind of person you are. Cherish that, because not everyone has that part.”

Ga-eul seemed like he wanted to say something more but he clenched his lips tightly. Then, as if understanding, he smiled faintly. When Go-yeos tried to get up, Ga-eul reflexively rose and grabbed her.

“Don’t get up, you need more rest….”

“I know. But I still want to take a shower.”

Ga-eul stepped back at her firmness.

As she stepped out from under the bed, her head was still throbbing. Her physical condition was indescribable, but the lingering discomfort was also stressful. When she went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, it was a mess.

Her eyes were swollen, her face was blotchy from not removing makeup, and her hair was a mess. What a sight.

While showering, she also washed away any traces of him that might still be there. Really. Moon Ji-hyuk was insane. She hadn’t expected this kind of reaction when she said she slept with someone else. But it was something she had to say.

‘I slept with Ji-hyuk.’

Whether he slept with Jo Yoon-young or not was no longer important. It didn’t matter anymore. She couldn’t completely forget Ji-hyuk, but now it seemed like she could live on somehow. Like someone who had gone through a common breakup.

After coming out of the bathroom and following Ga-eul’s suggestion, she ate the porridge he had made. It had a slight smell of eggs, but it wasn’t bad.

Ga-eul carefully poured the porridge into a bowl and cooled it down. Whether this was his usual style or because of his other feelings, she couldn’t tell anymore. So, partly teasingly, she spoke up.

“I saw you at the opera. Contrary to what you say, there are a lot of women around.”

Across from her, Ga-eul, who was also eating the same thing, choked on her words and drank water, shaking his hands vigorously in denial.

“No way. One is my younger sister and the other is a church sister that my sister follows.”

Someone from church. The cheerful voice of the woman he had spoken to on the phone. Somehow, she felt like it was the same person.

“Really…?”

Go-yeo shrugged her shoulders and chuckled as if it didn’t matter. She finished the bowl of egg porridge. It felt warm against her body. Ga-eul was happy to see the empty bowl and finished washing the dishes even though he was told to leave them alone.

The warmth Yoon Ga-eul gave made people feel weak. Being with Yoon Ga-eul made her posture feel a bit more relaxed. Worried that she might get used to the warmth he gave, she sent him away instead of insisting he stay. Instead of drinking the usual alcohol, she drank tea and looked out the window.

“It’s fascinating to see the Han River from home.”

There are many fascinating things in his eyes too.

“It’s not that great. During the day, the glare from the water scales is blinding, and at night, staring at the murky river is just depressing.”

Feeling the stillness of the world, she just wanted to see her mom right now. If only she could feel her warm embrace one more time.

In truth, she had thought about contacting her mother whenever she felt troubled, but getting past the long-standing awkwardness seemed impossible.

* * *

Ji-hyuk boarded a plane for a business trip to the United Arab Emirates. His mind was cluttered with various plans, but one thing was clear: Han Go-yeo belonged to him.

His mother, Yun Seung-ok, seemed satisfied with the news of his engagement, so she instructed Ahn Pil-jo to withdraw his surveillance on Go-yeo. Ji-hyuk, too, realized that he was useless and decided to abandon him.

Upon hearing the news that Jo Yoon-young had gone to the hotel in broad daylight, he went to tail her to catch her in the act. And he heard the news article. Unlike the previous fabricated rumors, the photo of Go-yeo smiling like a lover looked genuine.

That couldn’t be true.

When he reached the floor of the room where Jo Yoon-young checked in, Han Go-yeo was there. Go-yeo, with her endlessly unfamiliar appearance. Han Go-yeo was the one Jo Yoon-young had come to meet, but it didn’t matter as long as he saw her smiling at another man with that pretty face.

‘I slept with another man, not you.’

Boldly admitting to sleeping with another man, Go-yeo. How could she do that? He shook with bitter betrayal. So, there was no regret for what he did to her.

Even if it hurts, she will surely think only of Moon Ji-hyuk. Erasing his traces. That would be enough.

“How dare you think about abandoning me.”

Feeling truly amused, Ji-hyuk chuckled as he sipped his wine. Before leaving on his business trip, he instructed his people to closely monitor Go-yeo instead of Jo Yoon-young. It didn’t matter who the bastard was who slept with Han Go-yeo. He just wanted to make sure there was nothing more than that.

He found the flight attendant who had been sending subtle glances annoying. When he approached him with a cheerful smile, he deliberately spilled wine on his hand. He looked at him coldly as he wiped off the spilled wine with a napkin. Then, he threw away the napkin that had become useless.