The Season I Loved You Without You - Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

Until her tears subsided, it took quite a long time. Her cheeks and hands were chilly, but her heart seemed to assure her of its vitality, playing its part distinctly. Go-yeo didn’t mind this time Ga-eul embracing her. Rather, sacrilegiously, she wished his gap could become her.

Once inside the hotel, Go-yeo looked at Ga-eul.

“You haven’t eaten dinner yet, have you? Since room service is still available, I’ll order for you. Eat and rest.”

Instead of going home, Go-yeo came to this hotel because it was too late, and conveniently there was a hotel nearby where Sang-moon had applied for a long-term stay. It consisted of one master room and two sub-rooms. Go-yeo headed to the sub-room she had always used. Although it was hardly used, there were a few of her clothes in the closet from previous visits.

She took off her clothes and entered the bathroom. After taking a light shower, she immersed herself in the bathtub. There were numerous red marks left by Ji-hyuk on Go-yeo’s neck. She moistened her throat and looked at the ceiling. She lightly closed her eyes and opened them again. Her lips and eyelids were warm.

It was supposed to be a casual encounter. If she had known it would turn out like this, she wouldn’t have started it. No matter how bright and beautiful it could have been, she wouldn’t have done it. If he had died in her heart, that’s how she could have lived. This must be the pain of having one’s life severed.

The condition for approving the marriage was to live together with Yun Seung-ok at her family’s house for a year. Sang-moon opposed it, saying it wasn’t necessary, but Go-yeo accepted it gladly. That’s about it. Go-yeo had known from the beginning that Yun Seung-ok didn’t like her. She didn’t explicitly state the reason, but Go-yeo assumed it was because of her grandfather’s background. It was true that he was a gangster.

She thought a year would pass quickly. But during that time, she couldn’t easily go out to boutiques, and unless she went to places where going out was permitted, it wasn’t easy. Naturally, she complained to Ji-hyuk, and Ji-hyuk confronted Seung-ok about Go-yeo’s treatment.

Seung-ok must have understood the mechanism of this relationship because the next day after Ji-hyuk’s confrontation, she didn’t go to work and caught Go-yeo.

‘You haven’t learned anything from your family, have you?’

‘How sad your dead mother would be if she saw that you couldn’t even learn proper family manners.’

It was a horsefly that landed in front of the servants while pouring tea. After pouring out the tea and drinking it dozens of times, her mind was already boiling with humiliation. When she finally dropped the cup and broke it, she compared her to Jo Yoon-young and cursed her mother. She thought she was truly insane. This is why she allowed the marriage to happen.

The hellish days of repetition gradually led her to the conclusion that it was better to endure it alone than to talk to Ji-hyuk. Since Ji-hyuk was also struggling to establish himself at the head office, he thought this was necessary. Perhaps this was the first resentment that had arisen in her life.

‘It’s a very important time for Ji-hyuk right now, so let’s take the child slowly.’

Seung-ok made that remark as if driving a nail into her ear.

Her mother-in-law, who ordered the servants to rummage through the trash every night to check if she had gone to bed, was insane no matter how much she tried to see her in a good light. Nagging about whether she hadn’t used contraception was just as bad. Even if it wasn’t Seung-ok’s command, Go-yeo always took birth control pills regularly, and during her contraceptive break, Ji-hyuk used condoms.

Every day was so exhausting that she didn’t even want to wake up the next day, but honestly, waiting for Ji-hyuk was the only solace of her day. He had done his best for Go-yeo in his own way. She knew he was trying.

But when did that fact itself start to suffocate Go-yeo? When will this end? How long does she have to endure? If he’s working so hard, she shouldn’t be unable to endure even this. This kind of thinking ultimately brought about the worst conclusion that she couldn’t even do this. 

She took birth control diligently, but once during her contraceptive break when the condoms ran out, her period was late. She couldn’t tell Ji-hyuk rashly, and since Seung-ok had checked her menstrual cycle, her mouth went dry.

At that time, it seemed that denial was more urgent than the joy of a new life. She was in a state where she could not think rationally. Completely isolated, there was no one to consult with.

Why did she have to worry about such things? She should have just stopped. It was all because of that damned love. Because of that damned Ji-hyuk.

She found out on the day she miscarried that she was indeed pregnant. She went to the hospital because of sudden bleeding, and she lay on the surgery table without any prior experience. The process passed in an instant, and when she came home, Yun Seung-ok, who already knew everything, was there. She can’t forget the satisfied smile on her lips. It was the day she confirmed that she didn’t see her as human.

It’s a painful past that Go-yeo doesn’t want to remember. Ironically, while she was in that house, she had more memories with Yun Seung-ok than with Ji-hyuk. She didn’t know she had to give up. It wasn’t the virtue of patience, just foolishness and immaturity.

As she got out of the bathtub, the water churned. Useless thoughts caused insomnia. Go-yeo dried her hair and put on the thick white shower robe she used to enjoy wearing here. It was past 4 in the morning. It was a light drink and good thoughts. When she came out into the living room, the lights were on brightly. The room service food was still covered on the table, and Ga-eul was lying asleep on the sofa.

“Sleep in the room.”

She thought about waking him up but instead gently covered him with the blanket that was on the sofa. She took a glass from the minibar in the corner of the living room, put in some ice, and poured whiskey. The clinking sound echoed. When she turned around at the sound of movement, she saw Ga-eul standing up, rubbing his eyes in a daze.

“Boss?”

Go-yeo smiled softly.

“Just keep sleeping. Go to the room.”

“…Are you drinking?”

She raised her glass and shrugged, knowing he already considered her a drinker, so there was no need for embarrassment.

“You haven’t even eaten.”

“Ga-eul, you should eat.”

“But you haven’t eaten either…”

His sheepish look made her feel guilty without cause. That’s why she reluctantly sat next to him and gestured towards the table. Ga-eul hesitantly opened the dome cover. What was ordered earlier consisted of steak, burgers, salad, and fruit desserts. When Ga-eul looked at Go-yeo with curiosity, Go-yeo, unable to resist, picked up a strawberry with her fork and dipped it in cream before putting it in her mouth.

“Eat.”

“Yes.”

Ga-eul nodded and picked up his utensils. It was comforting to see him eating well.

How diligent he was even when eating. Upon closer inspection, his hair tips were still slightly damp. Did he wear the same clothes after showering? He should have worn a robe. She should have told him more specifically. With these thoughts in mind, she swallowed the whiskey.

For a moment, she forgot, but Ga-eul’s embrace at the beach was wide and quite warm. With his affectionate style, he would probably treat his girlfriend well. Go-yeo tilted her head and asked kindly.

“Is it delicious?”

“Yes.”

His puffy cheeks were cute like a chipmunk.

“Have some more salad, too.”

“Wouldn’t this salad have about the same calories as the cream and alcohol I just had?”

Another sullen expression. Go-yeo chuckled softly. Today was truly a bitter day for laughter. Not because she was worried about gaining weight, but because she had no appetite. Eventually, she ate a few pieces of fruit and salad.

Ga-eul started drinking with her. It was the second time they drank together today. His soft voice and calm tone were pleasant to hear. He would surely be a good teacher.

Feeling a bit tipsy and happy, she laughed and shook her head several times. She couldn’t remember the contents though.

Ga-eul also seemed a little tipsy, his face and ears turning red. When their eyes met, Ga-eul suddenly looked startled and excused himself to go to the bathroom. Go-yeo was having a lot of fun, but she complained quietly that Ga-eul had disrupted the flow and closed her eyes.

Ga-eul saw the reddish marks on Go-yeo’s neck. He knew what they were. Was it because of the man she was with during the day? Such a man who makes people miserable and meets other women. Ga-eul hurriedly washed his face with cold water and even brushed his teeth to clear his mind.

It didn’t matter what the boss did or said. He had to deal with his own emotions. Expressing them was rude and ignorant. When Ga-eul’s heat subsided, he came out of the bathroom and returned to the living room.

“Boss?”

Go-yeo was already asleep. He gently shook her, urging her to sleep on the bed, but there was no response.

He put her slipped off her feet and gently lifted her to move Go-yeo to the room. She tossed and turned a bit, but soon fell back asleep. The soft rustling sound was comforting to hear. The bedroom was dimly lit, with low lighting near the bed. Ga-eul carefully laid Go-yeo down on the bed.

Kneeling on one knee under the bed, he watched Go-yeo’s innocent appearance for a while. Her unadorned face looked gentle and pure. And her unusually red and full lips. Ga-eul knew the warmth of those lips. How tender and soft they were. He closed his eyes tightly, trying not to look anymore.

With a slight rustling sound, he opened his eyes again. He met Go-yeo’s gaze, who was looking at him drowsily. Her long eyelashes cast shadows. But still, he could see the sparkling pupils reaching out to him.

May this moment last forever. It was incredibly satisfying to know he was the only one in those eyes. Any lingering sense of defeat he felt in the bathroom was long gone. They didn’t shy away from each other’s gaze even after blinking several times.

“…Do you want it?”

Ga-eul was startled by Go-yeo’s groggy words. He thought he had hidden it well.

“Shall I do it for you?”

Despite the lethargic tone, her eyes, already awakened from sleep, were shining. Ga-eul understood exactly what that meant before comprehending it in his mind. His heart reacted before his mind. Was she testing him? If so, the boss was too cruel.

Go-yeo looked at Ga-eul hesitatingly, wondering what was troubling him. Just a little while ago, he had shown the desire of a deer. If he was afraid of the aftermath, he shouldn’t have looked at her like that. Isn’t that right?

Go-yeo wrapped her hand around Ga-eul’s neck and pulled him closer. The distance where even the soft feathers were visible, where their breaths touched.

“Reject me.”