Once Love Begins - Chapter 16. Part 1

Chapter 16. Part 1

I forced my eyes open, feeling something touching my forehead. His face filled my vision.

“…Why?”

I wiggled my toes, staring blankly at him as he sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me. “

“An urgent business trip came up. It’ll take about two days.” 

Instead of answering, I blinked. His lips kissed my forehead again before pulling away. 

Seeing him in a suit feels both familiar and strange. 

What time did he come home yesterday? I fell asleep without even hearing him come in. 

“I’ll be back.”

As I slightly nodded, his eyes slowly lowered to my lips. I could see my reflection in his dark eyes. 

He leaned in closer, his lips pressing against mine with urgency. He kissed me deeply, then pulled away quickly. 

His eyes, now much calmer than before, met mine, and I felt a flicker of emotion. 

“Get some more sleep.” 

“…” 

“You look tired.”

He gently brushed his thumb across my slightly wet lips. Then he pushed back the hair tickling my forehead before standing up. Even as I watched him, I just lay there, unable to move. I had no strength to get up. I just wanted to stay asleep. 

His heavy footsteps gradually faded, and I heard the door open and close. 

I curled up like a child. 

When I finally woke up, it was well past noon. The house was quiet, probably because the housekeepers had left for the day. 

Feeling sticky from sweating in my sleep, I took a shower immediately. When I checked my sanitary pad, I noticed that my period flow was very light, with no pain at all. It was a relief, but it was the first time this had happened, so I felt a bit concerned.

Last month, I finished all my medication and realized there wasn’t a single pill left in the house. Even though I wasn’t in pain, I decided to buy some just in case. I bundled myself up in clothes. The thought of him being away for two days made me feel unexpectedly lighter.

As I was putting on my shoes at the entrance, the doorbell rang. The sharp sound of the bell made me uneasy.

“Who is it?”

I heard someone mumbling outside. The voice was too faint to make out clearly, so I turned to check the intercom.

“It’s me, Kim Heeyoung.”

Hearing an unexpected name from outside the door, I stood there in a daze for a moment. The woman asked again to be let in, her voice cold, and I finally snapped back to my senses.

When I opened the door, the woman who called herself Heeyoung stood there confidently.

“What brings you here?”

My voice was as cold as her expression. I stared at the woman who had come to my home, feeling a mix of emotions.

“Jae left some documents behind, so I came to get them.”

“…”

“Excuse me.”

I opened the door a bit wider. She took off her shoes and walked past me into the house.

“Where’s the study?”

“Over there.”

She checked her fingertips and then walked into the study. The way this woman, Heeyoung, acted so naturally in my home was starting to irritate me. I thought I wasn’t having any menstrual cramps, but maybe I was wrong—my stomach began to ache slightly.

After a short while, Heeyoung came out of the study, holding a document envelope. I wished she would just leave already. Sweat began to bead on my forehead.

“Do you enjoy taking someone else’s man?”

The woman, who was putting on her shoes, suddenly blurted out this unexpected comment. I approached her, my face turning pale.

“Someone else’s man? Who’s someone else’s man?”

I wanted to ignore her, but the phrase “someone else’s man” suddenly made my anger flare up.

“Jae and I, we would’ve been happy if it weren’t for you. He only married you because you’re the daughter of a wealthy family, thinking it would help the company. We’re still doing just fine together!”

I watched her stomping her feet and yelling, and then I let out a small laugh. It was so absurd that I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Liar.”

Honestly, I didn’t care what kind of relationship they had. Whether they whispered sweet nothings behind my back or secretly met while mocking me—it didn’t matter to me.

“What?”

“Don’t lie. He told me you two were nothing.”

But still, I couldn’t stand seeing her so confident. After all, I’m Cha Jae’s wife. How easy must I have seemed for her to come to my house and say such things so boldly? Was she that certain of his love for her? I’ve never been able to be that confident.

Her boldness made my insides churn.

“Do you believe that? Well, I guess you must, otherwise, you wouldn’t still be married.”

“I don’t believe a word you say!”

Her mocking words made my vision go dark. Before I knew it, I had already slapped Heeyoung hard across the face. She froze for a moment in shock, her face contorting with rage. Her face turned red as she raised her hand.

“You… Did you dare to hit me? You trash!”

She shoved me hard, causing me to stumble backward. My back slammed against the wall.

“Ouch!”

A sharp pain shot through my stomach. Despite wearing a sanitary pad, I felt something unsettlingly warm and wet. Slowly, I looked down. A hot, red liquid was running down my legs, staining the floor beneath me.

“W-What’s going on? What’s happening to you?”

I couldn’t hear a word of what Heeyoung was saying. My vision blurred as panic set in. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and collapsed to the floor. Could a period cause this much bleeding? Blood pooled on the pristine marble floor.

“This isn’t my fault… You… you hit me…”

Muttering in a terrified voice, Heeyoung bolted out the door. Just before it closed, I called out,

“Please… call 119….”

But she didn’t stop. The door slammed shut, and tears began to fall uncontrollably.

“Help me… please…”

Fear consumed me, weighing down on my soul. My hands were stained with blood, and the metallic scent filled the air, making me nauseous. I crawled towards the table, grabbed my phone, and with trembling hands, dialed 119.

The pain in my stomach felt like it was tearing me apart, and I clutched it tightly. As I turned my head, I saw that the floor from the entrance to where I had crawled was covered in blood. Then, I heard the voice of a paramedic.

“My stomach… there’s so much blood….”

My eyelids grew heavier and heavier. I tried to stay conscious, but I could feel my body collapsing to the side as I closed my eyes.

* * *

As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew I was in a hospital.

I hated hospitals so much that the smell alone made my head throbbing.

“The guardian is on his way,” I heard the doctor and nurse explaining something to me, but their words didn’t sink in.

“What… happened to me?”

I needed to know why there had been so much blood. The doctor approached after sending the nurse out.

“…I’ll explain to your guardian.”

“No, please tell me.”

As I tried to sit up, the doctor urged me to remain lying down. The look on the doctor’s face told me it wasn’t good news. When I pushed my hair back, I noticed a bit of blood on my palm and froze. I must have tried to clean it off, but there was still blood under my nails and on my hands.

The metallic smell lingered in the air, making me unconsciously rub my hands against the sheets. With tear-filled eyes, I looked at the doctor.

“…It was a miscarriage.”

The doctor continued to explain, but none of it registered.

“…But I was taking birth control pills,” I said, almost to myself.

A miscarriage?

My voice came out cracked and broken.

“How…?”

“Even if you’re on birth control, if it’s not taken correctly or irregularly, there’s still a significant chance of pregnancy.”

This didn’t make sense. I had taken my birth control pills every day without missing a dose, except during the break period. How could I have been pregnant?

…Could it have been from that time at the hotel?

I remembered missing the window to take emergency contraception. Afterward, I resumed my regular pills, but by then, was I already pregnant?

Nausea welled up in my throat.

Tears began to pour down. I had never wanted a child, but now that I’d lost one, the thought was driving me insane.

I curled up in bed, pulling the sheets over my head.

What if I hadn’t taken those pills? Would the baby have been okay? If I had realized I was pregnant earlier, could I have saved the baby?

“Ugh… ugh… ung…”

I muffled my cries with my hand, trying to stifle the sound. I knew I didn’t have the right to cry, but the tears wouldn’t stop. My heart ached so much. When I first saw the blood… If only I had gone to the hospital last night. I should have gone when the pain started. I knew it was too late for regrets, but I couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming.

My shoulders shook more violently as I cried. I felt overwhelming guilt for the baby I never got to meet, and the grief was too much to bear.

“My baby… I’m so sorry. Hic… I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry.”

I’m sorry for being your mother. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything for you, for letting you go like that.

My heart felt like it was going to explode from the pain, but it was nothing compared to what my baby must have felt. I pounded my chest with my fists as if trying to ease the unbearable ache. Every breath felt like a scream from my heart.

I cried until I passed out, then woke up and cried again, over and over.

Someone was gently brushing my forehead.

“Yeonwoo….”

I didn’t want to wake up from this dream, but they kept calling my name. The hand that caressed my cheek shook. My eyes burned when I tried to open them, so I blinked. The hand brushed the tears from the corners of my eyes with a sympathetic touch.

Slowly, I opened my eyes.

The scent was familiar, unmistakable—it was Cha Kangjae’s scent, one I had encountered countless times before.

I looked at him directly.

“Yeonwoo….”

It was the gentle Cha Kangjae I had always longed for, but I felt no joy. Instead, my heart grew colder.

“…Please don’t tell Grandpa.”

No more tears came. His face, watching my swollen eyes, seemed somehow wet, as if he, too, had been crying. Not wanting to see him any longer, I turned my head to look out the window.

Snowflakes were falling heavily, blanketing the world in white.

I bit down on my lip, thinking of the baby who had to leave on such a cold day. Would it have hurt less if I had lost the baby on a warmer day? No, that wouldn’t have made any difference.

I could feel his gaze on me, but I kept my eyes on the snow falling so thickly that it obscured everything.

“Did Heeyoung…?”

“No.”

I cut him off. I shook my head at his suspicion of Heeyoung.

“My stomach had been hurting for a few days.”

“…”

“It hurt, but I endured it. I shouldn’t have, but I did.”

I didn’t mention that she had pushed me. It didn’t matter anymore.

No.

Nothing mattered anymore. I was exhausted. The price I paid for selfishly loving him alone was too devastating. This was all my fault—my foolishness, my recklessness.

“It’s okay. It’s okay…”

“…”

“It just wasn’t meant to be. Think of it that way.”

He was telling me not to blame myself. My lips twisted into a bitter smile.

He held me so tightly that I could barely breathe, repeatedly patting my back. Ironically, his arms were trembling.

“It’s okay…”

I kept my mouth shut, not responding to his reassurances.

It’s not okay. 

I’m not okay. 

I’m not okay.

“I’m sorry.”

“…”

“I’m so sorry…”

I didn’t want to hear it. I was tired of everything. I just stared out the window with empty eyes, nestled in his arms.

* * *

“Why have you lost so much weight?”

I was biting the end of my straw when Hana’s concerned voice broke the silence. It had been nearly two months since we last met, and the moment we did, she started nagging me. Even after we finished eating and moved to a café, she kept probing, asking what had happened and why I had lost so much weight.

“I did it on purpose.”

“Are you crazy? Seriously, what do you even have to lose? You’re so thin now that it’s a wonder you can even walk around.”

I gave Hana a quick smile, lifting the corners of my mouth without a hint of embarrassment. I had gotten pretty good at lying by now. Pretending not to be in pain had become second nature. I ran my fingertip over the condensation on my empty cup.

“You’re not sick, are you?”

She squinted her eyes, clearly not convinced, probing to see if something was wrong.

What happened? After losing the baby, I stayed in my room for a while, unable to face the world. As time passed, the sorrow seemed to fade, or at least dull. The person who once cried silently every day can now smile, meet friends, and even enjoy a meal.

So, there was nothing wrong with me.

“Don’t worry.”

There was nothing to worry about. I was eating well, sleeping well, and getting along just fine. I forced some life back into my eyes, determined to keep up the act. When I flashed a bright smile, Hana let out a relieved sigh.

“I thought something was wrong. You suddenly said you were going on a trip, and then you were unreachable.”

It was already February. I spent Christmas in the hospital, but how did I even get through the New Year? I couldn’t remember. The lie about the trip was just an easy way to avoid people. It was the simplest way to keep them at a distance.