His steps, which had been moving at a steady pace, abruptly came to a halt. He couldn’t believe how completely he had forgotten.
“I’ll have everything prepared, so you can go shopping at your convenience tomorrow.”
Kanghyun’s words, as he wiped his face with a hand, where a faint crack had formed, drove a final nail into Seoyoon’s heart.
Now she wanted to ask if she was just a bother to him.
She wanted to ask him, “What was I to you, really? Was I just a cherished doll?”
But she knew such obvious questions held no meaning for Tae Kanghyun, so she asked a more concrete question, just like last time.
“Do you really need to get married?”
“I don’t know why you keep mentioning this marriage, I told you it’s none of your business.”
“Why don’t you care? Even after getting married, you’ll just come and go like this? Even after getting married, will you just keep me by your side like a doll? Even after you get married! Should I just keep loving you?”
Seoyoon’s small fist trembled as she was at a loss for words.
“They know about your existence, and we’ve made arrangements not to interfere, so you don’t have to worry about it.”
“What do you even think of my existence? A shameless orphan? A clinging leech that won’t let go of Tae Kanghyun no matter what?”
Seoyoon’s voice rose even higher with frustration. There was no way to express her pent-up emotions. She felt like tearing her hair out in desperation.
“Who said that to you?”
“You’re the one making me feel this way!”
“I never did that. Why are you still like this after all this time? Just stop it.”
Even with Seoyoon standing before him, trembling like a volcano about to erupt, Kanghyun remained as serene as a tranquil lake.
“I have something to say.”
“It’s too late, let’s talk about it tomorrow.”
“Let’s stop here. I’ve been by your side my whole life, now please let me go.”
“I don’t know why you’re upset, but that’s enough. I made it clear I said no.”
Even so, his cold eyes sent a chill down her spine.
These were words that should never have come out of her mouth.
Even if someone called Seoyoon a cherished doll, she wouldn’t deny it.
An doll held close to the chest, day and night.
It wasn’t seen as something negative. It was the meaning behind being called a doll that mattered more than the fact itself.
Seoyoon was undoubtedly such a presence to him. It was simply a matter of perspective.
“This, too, is adultery. Adultery is wrong, you know. Our relationship, it’s not normal.”
“Continuing to say the same things over and over again is exhausting. It’s just an act for show, don’t make it out to be something grand. It’s separate from you.”
A sigh poured out from her reddened lips. It seemed it would be better to speak facing the wall.
“I kept saying I meant it when I said I was leaving, and I’ll never see you again.”
“If it’s too hard, take a few days off and come back. I’ll be here for you.”
Kanghyun brushed aside his hair, furrowing his brow. The repeated arguments since the engagement ceremony had also begun to irritate him.
“I’m the only one leaving.”
Trying to make Tae Kanghyun understand with various emotions had always been exhausting.
And it felt suffocating. She didn’t want to be in the same space with him anymore.
The understanding that once embraced his entirety while loving him and enduring the pain alone had also vanished.
She was tired. Yes, she was tired.
Tired of being lonely and alone.
She wanted to break free from the endless swamp sucking her in.
“Why can’t you… give up anything?”
Seoyoon’s black pupils shook aimlessly in her blurred vision.
It might have looked pitiful. Kanghyun just pressed his stiff back with a dry expression.
“Seoyoon.”
Seoyoon shook off Kanghyun’s hand as he tried to avoid her cold gaze and walked out of the house.
As the door locked with a loud click, Kanghyun swallowed a deep sigh and took out his mobile phone.
—Yes, Director.
The Deputy Director, who had returned home around the same time as Kanghyun, answered the phone with a slightly subdued voice.
“Attach someone to Seoyoon again. Track her location and just wait nearby……”
—Director?
Kanghyun furrowed his brow as he belatedly noticed Seoyoon’s mobile phone lying on the table.
“I understand for now.”
—Yes.
Hurriedly ending the call, Kanghyun grabbed his cardigan hanging on a wooden chair and his mobile phone, then followed behind.
He caught up with Seoyoon at a crosswalk with a flashing green light.
“Where are you going without anything?”
“Anywhere, away from you. I really want to break up, I don’t want to live as a doll anymore. So please let me go.”
“How could I let you go?”
Kanghyun genuinely wondered. The idea of parting ways with Seoyoon seemed so distant to him.
“If you don’t want to see my face, go to a hotel. Contact Seowon……”
Bang!
It happened in an instant.
The dimly lit surroundings momentarily flashed before a sound, as if something collapsed, echoed in the ears.
The roar of the engine, accelerating on the deserted road with not a single ant in sight, scattered into the air.
The car, its headlights extinguished as it collided with them, concealed its trace on the spot.
“Ugh…”
Struggling to grasp his clouded mind, Kanghyun forced himself to raise his head and searched for Seoyoon.
He tried to move towards the figure, who was visible in the distance, but his body wouldn’t move as his mind desired.
Trying to crawl on his knees and elbows, he collapsed in place.
Looking at Seoyoon, who remained motionless in the distance, too far to reach and not even stirring, he closed his heavy eyelids.
“Seoyoon.”
A warm liquid splashed onto his closed eyes and trickled down to his chin from somewhere.
Amidst the pungent metallic smell invading his nostrils, he wanted to ask Seoyoon.
Did your tears have this temperature too?
* * *
One day, after returning from watching a movie for the first time in a long while, she suddenly had this thought.
It might have been because of the ending where the male protagonist in the movie sacrifices himself for his beloved.
“I wish I could die before you.”
It was a somewhat selfish thing to say, but I thought it wouldn’t be too bad to have such a wish.
There were countless people who would cry for Tae Kanghyun, but there was only one person who would cry for herself.
“Why?”
“I only have you, don’t I? You should arrange my funeral and mourn for me. Of course, you won’t cry though.”
Lying side by side on the bed, Kanghyun remained silent for a long time.
Yeah, that one sentence should suffice.
She was about to ask why he pondered so long, but annoyed, she clenched her lips shut.
“How long should I mourn for you? Three years or five?”
“What’s with that odd number?”
“Anything less than three years is too short, and anything more than five is too long.”
“Five years is long? That’s disappointing. I’ve lived with you for 20 years. You should remember me for at least 10 years.”
Unlike me, who shed tears throughout the sad movie, Kanghyun, with his emotionless face, alternately glanced at the screen and the crying faces. He remained unmoved by such a conversation.
“More than five years is too hard.”
“Okay, then you’ll just remember and mourn for exactly five years.”
Though I tried to express my disappointment with a blunt tone, Kanghyun simply nodded silently.
“I’m scared no one will cry, then I’ll be alone even in death.”
Just before succumbing to sleep, it seemed he murmured such words.
“…They will be.”
If I wait for five years, I’ll be there.
I didn’t hear the last words that approached with a cold touch.
That’s why I realized it too late.
He had loved me very much in his own way.
With the gift of five years of hell for him.
I considered myself fortunate to go first and closed my eyes a little more comfortably.
