Cardan stayed by her side like that for a long time.

If a servant hadn’t been so urgent in his search for him, she might have been forced to feign sleep for hours.

Fortunately, when Cardan left, I managed to open my eyes.

“D, D, Duke!”

The doctor rushed to my side as I staggered to my feet.

“Are you awake?”

“Yes…….”

When I opened my eyes, it wasn’t the doctor’s startled face that caught my attention, but my candle from the shrine on the bedside table.

As I stirred, a faint ember splashed across the blackened wick and slowly began to come to life.

“I will summon His Majesty at once, at once!”

“No!”

A loud shriek escaped my lips.

The doctor’s eyes narrowed, and I barely managed to keep my voice steady.

“I’m sure he’s busy with Esland, and I don’t want to disturb him.”

Staring at the tenuous spark at the end of the wick, I tried to think of a way to get him out of the room.

“Instead, can you get me some…… headache medication, my head feels like it’s cracking.”

Fortunately, the doctor nodded without question.

“I’ll be right back.”

After watching him disappear out the door, I picked up the candle with a trembling hand.

I couldn’t tell if my hands were shaking because the poison hadn’t worn off yet, or if they were shaking from fear of what was to come.

Hardening my resolve, I slipped out of bed without hesitation.

The time has come to pay for my many sins.

***

Although I did not hear God’s voice or see a vision when I swore that futile oath, I was convinced.

That it was God who erased my memory.

I couldn’t complain.

He gave me what I wanted, honestly.

Nor did I blame God.

For in the short time I had lost my memory, I had been free, loved, and forgiven.

This led me to wonder if other rituals in the temple that I had dismissed as superstitious might also be true.

For example, the ritual of succession to the high priesthood.

The ritual where the new high priest would blow out his own candle, and the outgoing high priest would light the smoldering candle with his own.

I made my way to Eleanor’s room, candle in hand.

It was a struggle to even take a step, but I forced my legs to move.

I wanted to do this quickly, before hesitation set in.

It was something I had to do.

When I finally reached Eleanor’s room, thankfully it was quiet.

Eleanor was sleeping peacefully, as always, and a thin wisp of smoke was wafting from the candle on the nightstand.

With difficulty, I approached Eleanor’s bedside.

But when I reached for her candle, I cringed as if it were on fire.

As I leaned against the nightstand, breathing hard to calm myself, a small whisper rose in my chest.

You could just pretend to have lost your memory.

You could go on pretending you weren’t Erina Baloa, pretending you didn’t know anything, pretending you hadn’t sinned, pretending you could fool people as long as you wanted.

Haven’t you had enough trouble putting the Duke of Balboa’s past behind you?

If you’re in pain, you don’t need to remember the painful memories.

It was a sweet temptation.

“Hah……. Hah…….”

The more I thought about it, the more my breathing became erratic.

If I cover it up, no one will ever know.

The sting in my palm as I cupped Cecilia’s cheek, the last words I spoke to Eleanor, the angry sensation in my chest as I grabbed the Duke.

If only I could bury it.

“Ah.”

I realized I’d been clutching the candle too hard.

I dipped my finger in the dripping candle wax. It was a first. I’d never seen candle wax drip from a shrine candle.

I stared at the candle wax hardening on my hand, then impulsively reached out.

Without hesitation, I picked up Eleanor’s candle.

Again, I couldn’t stay as it is.

It would be a deception.

I had once thought it was a deception to play on Cardan’s mind, to pretend to be Erina again, to pretend to him that she had forgotten him as a child.

I knew now.

That the very existence of Erina Baloa was a deception to keep Cardan at her side.

My vision was blurred by my hooded tears, but I could see clearly enough to see the flame of my shrine candle.

With trembling hands, I bring my candle to the edge of Eleanor’s smoke.

“Erina!”

The bedroom door slammed open.

“Hut.”

I heard the voice of someone who shouldn’t be here, and at the same time I lost my grip on Eleanor’s candle.

“Stop.”

The sound of urgent footsteps behind me made my heart race.

I blinked back tears and scrambled across the floor for Eleanor’s candle.

“Stop now.”

I had barely curled the candle around my fingertips when my wrist was twisted and I was dragged from Cardan in a flash.

“Let go of me.”

Not daring to look him in the face, I twisted my wrist and struggled.

“Let go of me. Let go!”

I clawed at his fingers, kicked at his shins, slammed my fist into his chest, but it felt like I was wrestling with a rock.

My head was spinning.

If I don’t take this chance now, I may never pay for my crimes, and I’ll live forever, cowardly, with the past buried.

I finally squeezed my eyes shut.

If I saw that face, I would gladly choose to be a deceiver.

“Let me go.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

“You’re trying to kill yourself.”

His whisper was harsh, like sandpaper scraping against my ear.

I stood there dumbfounded, unable to confirm or deny his words.

“Stop it. It’s all over, this thing—”

My voice grew ragged, and Cardan finally cut me off.

For a moment, only ragged breathing passed between us.

When he spoke again, his voice was soft, almost pleading.

“Please stop.”

My breath caught in my throat.

I wonder if I’m giving him what he wants or if I’m running away to make myself feel better. There’s no guarantee this will wake Eleanor.

“Let go.”

But I eventually spit out the words in a sob.

“Never. I can’t let you go.”

Cardan’s grip tightens, as if he’s going to crush my wrist.

“Ugh.”

I groaned at the sharp pain that tingled through my arm.

My small sob momentarily loosened Cardan’s grip. I seized the opportunity.

Gingerly, I twisted his hand away and brought my candle to Eleanor’s.

“No.”

Cardan reached out to grab me again, but it was too late.

The flame of my candle had just touched the smoke.

A tiny ember traveled down the smoke streak and joined the wick.

“Ha, ha……. Ha, ha…….”

With a weak laugh, I collapsed.

If it weren’t for Cardan catching me, I would have fallen to the floor.

The candles I was clutching also rolled out of my hands.

As soon as I realized that, I forced myself to look away from the candles. No matter how determined I was, I couldn’t bring myself to watch my candle go out.

As his mother’s candle fell to the floor, Cardan held onto me and didn’t move.

His hand, steady as always, finally gave me the courage to look at him.

“I’m sorry.”

The words I’ve wanted to say for the longest time.

I rubbed at the corners of my eyes as his face blurred with welling tears.

I didn’t know if my words would reach Cardan, who had gone rigid, not even breathing, but I continued.

“I was so, so sorry then, more than I can say.”

Maybe Erina was just mad with guilt, and that made her more venomous.

But that would be a poor excuse, and I didn’t want to hear it anymore.

“And I’m sorry now, too, for hurting you until the end.”

I let out a laugh that I didn’t know if it was rueful or bitter.

“I wish I’d made this decision when you hated me.”

“…….”

“Then you would have been happy, Cardan.”

Cardan’s face, which had been frozen, contorted into a pitiful grimace.

I regretted my words, but there was no way to take them back.

“I  would have never been happy.”

With those words, I was pulled into his arms.

His arms held me tightly, as if he were holding me captive, but somehow, I found myself shivering uneasily.

“R, rather. If I hadn’t gotten my memory back—-”

His arms tightened around me, and his strong shoulders shook pitifully.

The vibration made me pull away from Cardan and take a step back.

“Still, I’m glad I was able to relax and like you for a while.”

I meant it.

The time I lost my memory was perhaps the brightest moment of my short life, I thought.

It was then that I heard a small whimper from behind me. It was Eleanor’s bed.

“……Eleanor?”

I ran straight to the bed.

I wasn’t sure if I actually woke her up with the ritual I’d just performed, but to my relief, she was lying there, blinking slowly.

“……Erina.”

Muttering my name softly, Eleanor looked at me with confused eyes.

“You’re really, really awake.”

For a moment, a huge weight seemed to lift from my chest.

At least one of the many sins I’d committed in the past could be expiated.

I was still a sinner, but for once I didn’t run away, I faced it head-on.

I may not be forgiven, but at least I tried.

Even as I thought that, I found myself stumbling backwards.

Then I turned to where Cardan still stood and shouted.

“Come on, come on, call the doctor!”

But Cardan did nothing but stand there, dumbfounded.

“No, I don’t think that will be necessary.”

Bending down to pick up the candles on the ground, Cardan said something unintelligible.

“Look.”

He held out a shrine candle in each hand.

“They both have flames.”