You make me love myself

“What if people see us?”

“We’re not going to stand out in a sea of newlyweds.”

As Katya looked around at the couples who were sticking together like one body, it seemed like they were freely expressing their affection even in public places on their honeymoon destination, avoiding the gaze of conservative elders.

Katya knew that her husband’s stubbornness was not to be taken lightly when it came to her safety.

If things went on like this, she could see him standing like a statue until he was exhausted.

In the end, she followed her husband’s wishes.

Nikolai lifted her up lightly and helped.

After gesturing to the knights to give the newlyweds some alone time, Boris followed them at a distance.

“Why do you like me, Grand Duke?”

Katya asked as they headed to the hotel.

He had been paying attention to her since the carriage ride because he knew her feet would be uncomfortable in her new shoes.

It was something that would be hard to notice if he didn’t pour all his attention on her.

What on earth is he thinking? Why does this man like me so much?

“Didn’t I tell you? If you want, I can tell you everything, even if it takes all night. There are countless reasons.”

“Just one thing?”

“One thing?”

“Yes.”

“I became a better person after I met you.”

It was a completely unexpected answer.

“What do you mean?”

“I just think it’s impressive. Before I met you, I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like anything about myself.”

“For example?”

Why did this lovely man have so many complaints about himself?

“Being born in the Grand Duke’s family, being the son of such a man, having a personality that doesn’t trust people and doesn’t easily give his heart to anyone.”

“…….”

“I wondered if every choice I made was for the best, and I always regretted it and wondered if the choice I would make tomorrow would be the right one.”

That’s the weight that a ruler of a country carries. 

Even a small decision can become a national policy, and people who are involved in relationships are intertwined one after another. 

That’s why it was difficult to predict what kind of ripple effect small decisions and choices would have.

“I didn’t want to open my eyes in the morning.” 

Nikolai said calmly. 

“Every night when I fell asleep, I hoped that I would be dead tomorrow.”

It was a contradiction even in his own thoughts. 

He was avoiding assassination attempts, but on the other hand, he wished for death. 

In fact, he wasn’t alive by choice.

In his heart, he wanted to end this weary life, but he couldn’t.

He had to live for the people who looked up to him as their ruler. 

He couldn’t die until he fixed this country that his father and the Boyanins had ruined. 

Even if he wanted to run away, he couldn’t.

“Not anymore. I became better because of you.”

“……”

“I like that I’m a Grand Duke, that there’s a lot I can do for you. I like that I can lift you easily and have a strong body that can protect you anytime. I can smell your scent, see you with my own eyes, and feel your smooth touch.”

“……”

“I like that we can have a conversation because I received higher education and read a lot of books. I appreciate all my senses and talents.”

Katya just listened quietly to his words. She didn’t expect to hear such things. She was much more important to Nikolai than she thought.

“I am grateful to the me of the past who went to buy the shamshir that day, picked up your pocket watch, and went looking for you. I like the me that chose to stop by the carriage house around the time you escaped.”

“……”

“Fate may call me arrogant, but I think every choice I made led me to meet you that day. I’m grateful for all my choices until I met you.”

“……”

“Thanks to you, I like myself better and I’m grateful for everything around me.”

He had always whispered sweet nothings to her, but this kind of confession was the first time.

Ah, this is cheating.

It was an ardent confession disguised as narcissism.

“How about it? Is it enough reason to love you?”

Katya couldn’t say anything because she was choked up.

‘I feel the same way, Grand Duke. I like you too. I like myself because I’m with you, and I like that you love me because I am who I am.’

I love you because you make me love myself. 

‘Grand Duke, because of you, both I and my world have become better.’

Unable to get the words out of her mouth, she leaned her head against Nikolai’s broad shoulder.

She fought back the tears that threatened to fall.

“I think the Grand Duke will be a good father.”

I remembered a conversation I’d had with him the other day.

“I will never be a father.”

“Because I can’t be a good husband or a good father.”

Nikolai had replied.

‘But would I be a good wife to the Grand Duke? Can I really be a good mother to my children?’

She wasn’t sure she could be a mother either.

Parenting was a difficult matter.

If it were easy to raise healthy, right-thinking children, the world wouldn’t be the way it is.

Plus, she didn’t know if her child would be born with a genetic disease.

Her mother died at a young age, and Bianca barely survived.

Bianca, who was diagnosed as a child, was one of the lucky ones.

There were many people in her family, men and women alike, who had died of the disease. It was not uncommon for people to fall ill and die suddenly in middle age, even if they were otherwise healthy.

For fear of disrupting marriages, the family kept quiet, but everyone assumed it was a genetic disease.

It was for this reason that Katya’s mother had initially rejected Pavtiski’s proposal.

Now, she was healthy, and thanks to the Archbishop’s favor, she was fortunate enough to receive the ‘Ideal Spouse Qualification Certificate’ as the granddaughter of a benefactor. However, for Katya, it was something that could strike her at any time.

What if the disease skipped generations and hit her children?

What’s more, even healthy, disease-free mothers often miscarry, have stillbirths, or die in infancy.

What if her children died because of her, not Nikolai?

Katya didn’t want to suffer that pain.

“I’m not a man worthy of your love.”

That’s what Nikolai had said.

Wrong. He was a man anyone could love.

It’s one thing to have high self-esteem, but it’s another to objectively determine whether you’re worthy of someone.

Katya loved herself, but she knew better than anyone that she was not fit to be a Grand Duchess.

Having a healthy child to carry on the lineage was a problem, and she knew as well that she wasn’t the type who was loved by people.

Nikolai already had many enemies.

Katya now understood how much it hurt to love someone and not be able to tell them you loved them.

She buried her face in the nape of his neck as tears threatened to fall.

Feeling ticklish, Nikolai laughed as she continued to fidget on his shoulder.

“Are you trying to seduce me? Don’t you think it’s too dangerous to do this while sharing a room with a beast?”

“The Grand Duke is a man, not a beast.”

“A beast would be more civilized than I am. Sharing a room with you is torture for me.” 

“What is so torturous?”

“I’m dying to touch you, to cuddle with you, to do everything in bed with you.”

Katya, now fed up with her husband, who didn’t even bother to hide his sinister intentions, struggled to get off.

“It’s too late. Why did you marry this beast?”

Nikolai said, grabbing her legs as they flailed in the air.

Katya knew he was playing a joke on her, knowing that her mood had sunk earlier.

So she squealed even louder, playing along.

Her eyes were red as she cried to him.

If I had known I would love him this much, I would never have married him.

The day we signed the prenuptial agreement, he said.

“For one year, I’ll give my all and try to be a good husband. This is a sincere promise.”

“Does that mean your commitment is only valid for one year?”

“I can’t guarantee what the future holds. So, when the expiration date comes, discard me without mercy.”

‘The same goes for you, Grand Duke. Just use me for one year and then throw me away.’

Whatever is causing you trouble, I won’t stand idly by.

While Katya is the Grand Duchess, she vows to protect him no matter what happens.

If necessary, even if it means risking her own life.

***

Meanwhile, everyone at the Despot Club was talking about the party they would have in the evening.

“Why is it so noisy?”

A silver-haired man playing pool with intense concentration looked up from his game, annoyed by the noise of his juniors.

He had come to the clubhouse after graduation.

Originally, there was a separate clubhouse that was known to the public, but this was a secret hideout for their private fun and meetings.

It was mostly used by current students, but occasionally, alumni would visit.

“They rented this place.”

Although he didn’t want to act like an old man, an unpleasant remark came out of his mouth.

He was already feeling uncomfortable due to his mother’s request that he come up to the capital.

His noble classmates stopped him from saying something.

“Your Highness, please understand. Everyone is excited about the party tonight.”

“What’s so special about the party? It’s just a common party, why are you all so excited?”

“Isn’t Viscountess Borodin a good judge of beauty? I heard that there are many beautiful girls in this year. We are all going, would you like to come too, Your Highness?”

“Who is Viscountess Borodin? If it’s Borodin, is she my mother’s relative?”

The man with white hair asked, tilting his head.

At that, the noble next to him punched his clueless friend in the arm.

In fact, he was the only member who didn’t know anything about this secret pastime at the Despot Club.

Viscountess Borodin was also a distant relative whom he’d never met.

“Whether you go or not. It would be good if everyone left and it became quiet.”

As if losing interest, he threw the cue stick carelessly and lay down on the sofa in front of the fireplace.

Covering his face with a book and trying to sleep, the nobles who were afraid of touching his nerves left with their juniors.

The man was always nervous and often angry, ruling over his peers as a tyrant.

His name was Mihail de Vasily.

He was the youngest son of the grand ducal family, born to the Grand Duchess Oksana, and Nikolai’s half-brother.